Letters to Viz

[slowdiver]

When unable to take a bath or shower, wrap yourself from head to toe in sellotape. Then simply peel the dirt off.

[margib]

To save money on expensive window cleaners, and avoid the danger of going up a ladder to clean upper-floor windows, have all the glass taken out: no more bills or danger!

[billybunter]

I was watching "Noel's HQ" on Sky1 the other night, and the tidy-bearded presenter blamed health and safety zealots for the downfall of the country. I think that's a bit rich coming from somebody who dropped some poor sod 250 feet from a crane in the name of entertainment.

Frank Plasterboard

London

[unclemonty]

I had a bit of a cough yesterday and now, today, i have an overwhelming urge to go into a forest and root around for acorns.

Should i be worried?

Edna Bucket, Herts.

[jamesie]

Dont remember the supposed writers name but this one was from early 90's

Please could you phone the fire brigade for me as my house is burning and i dont have a phone.

[haymarket]

One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania " says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach


It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield


The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain , a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the governments knows and haven’t told the poor sods?

John Campbell


It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast


Here is a top tip for fellow readers-
They say that a dog is a man's best friend.
To prove it, lock your dog and your wife in the car-boot.
Wait an hour and open the boot-

Which one is the most pleased to see you?
I Hurt, Norwich

I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
Ralfe Inger, email

[sydney1]

Old ladies, starting boiling your sprouts and cabbage in time for christmas.

[haymarket]

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

[Gladeways]

Every time I see Nigella Lawson licking jam off her fingers I get a raging hard on but when I see my wife do it I feel sick. Could we be buying the wrong jam?

[Gladeways]

Our babysitter brought a jigsaw for our 4 yr old to keep him amused whilst we were out. Imagine our horror when we returned home to find he had cut all his fingers off!