Post your corny jokes - Page 387

**slisse** · April 14th, 2012, 08:25 AM

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown".

So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asks her in a sort of peeved voice: "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replies: "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money....just looking."

**Jeff Vader** · April 14th, 2012, 09:41 AM

I found thousands of letters in my postbox today.

That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

**jackpinesavage** · April 14th, 2012, 08:30 PM

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP!

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!'

**Jeff Vader** · April 14th, 2012, 08:43 PM

I got some pretty disturbing images when I Googled "Gary Oldman" - he's really let himself go, I thought.

It was then that I realised that I'd left the "R" out

**slisse** · April 15th, 2012, 08:24 AM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.

Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.

We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.

"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...today you voted."

**slisse** · April 15th, 2012, 08:25 AM

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says.

"I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

**slisse** · April 15th, 2012, 08:27 AM

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old Arse?"

"You were never mentioned," she replied.

**Jeff Vader** · April 15th, 2012, 09:54 AM

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime artist next door went nuts

**TommySwiftJr.** · April 15th, 2012, 11:48 AM

Has anyone else noticed that typing "MOM" on Your phone is actually "666"?

**Jeff Vader** · April 15th, 2012, 12:24 PM

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

April 14th, 2012, 09:41 AM	#3862
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

April 14th, 2012, 08:43 PM	#3864
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I got some pretty disturbing images when I Googled "Gary Oldman" - he's really let himself go, I thought. It was then that I realised that I'd left the "R" out __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

April 15th, 2012, 09:54 AM	#3868
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime artist next door went nuts __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

April 15th, 2012, 11:48 AM	#3869
TommySwiftJr. Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Seaside. Escaping modern society values. Mostly. Posts: 2,960 Thanks: 47,367 Thanked 68,084 Times in 3,078 Posts	Has anyone else noticed that typing "MOM" on Your phone is actually "666"? __________________ I'm afraid of people who are afraid of nudity.

April 15th, 2012, 12:24 PM	#3870
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,020 Times in 6,511 Posts	I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

April 14th, 2012, 08:25 AM	#3861
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,518 Times in 2,481 Posts	A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown". So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this, he asks her in a sort of peeved voice: "Well, just what are you doing?" She replies: "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money....just looking."

April 14th, 2012, 08:30 PM	#3863
jackpinesavage Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: My House Posts: 1,778 Thanks: 4,039 Thanked 36,058 Times in 1,765 Posts	IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP! A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!'

April 15th, 2012, 08:24 AM	#3865
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,518 Times in 2,481 Posts	While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...today you voted."

April 15th, 2012, 08:25 AM	#3866
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,518 Times in 2,481 Posts	A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. "Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Seamus. The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?" Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!" "Thunderin Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

April 15th, 2012, 08:27 AM	#3867
slisse Vintage Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: BE Posts: 2,405 Thanks: 32,668 Thanked 72,518 Times in 2,481 Posts	A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old Arse?" "You were never mentioned," she replied.