Post your corny jokes

[retroanalyst]

If I had a euro for every time I got suspicious…

I'd wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?

[JJ3027]

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

Wait a minute!!! How do you know Fred went down on her?? I mean that is a long time ago when things like that just weren't done, well at least talked about.

I heard that they Followed-The-Fleet for a few weeks and later had a Swing-Time after Flying-Down-To-Rio. Fred wore his Top-Hat, and while there they met Roberta, The-Gay-Divorcee. They had fun and danced Cheek-To-Cheek non-stop, all Night-And-Day. And when asked about his memories of being with Ginger, Fred said They-Can't-Take-That-Away-From-Me.......

[Jeff Vader]

Prince William has told Paparazzi to stop trying to take photographs of Prince George, and has threatened court action.

William is quoted as saying, "My son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible ...

Now get away from our castle ..."

[Jonno71]

After a huge heated argument with the wife, she sent me down the local shop for a bottle of milk saying "don't come back until you have thought of a very good reason to stay married".

It's been four years now, better pop back as she'll be wondering what's taking so long.

[electile disfunction]

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

Hey scientists have determined that 0ne out of every seven dwarves will be Dopey.

And statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

[SanteeFats]

The 2013 Major League Soccer (okay that is not the joke, you real soccer fans can get off the floor now ) team visited the White House. They weren't invited but like everyone else they just went in.

[Jeff Vader]

I was looking forward to this tube of Pringles, but there's only three in there and they're all tennis ball flavour.

[Jeff Vader]

How to fall downstairs.
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8,9,10,11

[Jonno71]

I'm beginning to regret buying this new iPhone 6+. Not only have I wasted £800 on buying it for the damn thing to bend like a boomerang in my back pocket, but each time I throw it away it keeps coming back.

[SanteeFats]

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for retins!________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .....
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.