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Old 05-17-2018, 12:10 AM   #13681
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last photo on domestic victim's cell phone
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:22 AM   #13682
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I had a pet hen that I enlisted in the military. After the hen's tour of duty I asked the sargeant what she did. He replied that she was with a weapons unit of other hens that supplied weapons to the soldiers. They mixed gunpowder with their feed so they would lay hen grenades!
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"I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson
"I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson
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Old 05-17-2018, 06:07 PM   #13683
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A woman was asked to give a talk on the power of prayer to her local women’s group. With her husband sitting in the audience, she recounted how they had turned to God when her husband suffered an unfortunate accident.
“Three months ago,” she began, “my husband Colin was knocked off his bicycle and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him. They warned that our lives might never be the same again. Colin was unable to get close to either me or the children and every move caused him enormous discomfort. It meant we could no longer touch him around the scrotum.
“So we prayed that the doctors would be able to repair him. Fortunately our prayers were answered and they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Colin’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. They said he should make a complete recovery and regain full use of his scrotum.”
As the audience burst into spontaneous applause, a lone man walked up to the stage. He announced: “Good afternoon. My name is Colin, and I just want to tell my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”
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Old 05-18-2018, 04:47 PM   #13684
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2 dogs in a bar

Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"

Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"

Dog 1: "Knock kno..."

Dog 2: goes fucking mental
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Old 05-18-2018, 10:14 PM   #13685
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My friend just gave me Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, and Big for free.
T. Hanks for nothing.
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Old 05-19-2018, 02:17 PM   #13686
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Prince Harry said that he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding reception.




Prince Philip said sod that, he was going anyway...
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Old 05-19-2018, 05:12 PM   #13687
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Tonight Harry do Megane ! Oh wait a second...
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Old 05-20-2018, 04:47 PM   #13688
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?” Charlies says, “I just got into Chicago.”
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?” Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
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Old 05-21-2018, 08:35 AM   #13689
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrfixit View Post
furiously
It's never languorously, is it?
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Old 05-22-2018, 10:35 PM   #13690
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A Scouser and a Mancunian walk into a bakery.

The Scouser steals 3 buns (stereotyping alert!) and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The pair then walk back into the bakery. The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

He asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scouser's pockets."
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