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Old 05-23-2018, 01:47 PM   #13681
Mal Hombre
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Oscar Wilde was sitting with a ghastley painted trollop on His lap,Suddenly She jumped up with a scream "It's sticking out !" "You flatter Yourself,Madam" He replied "It is hanging out"
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It is a porn site,But it's a Classy porn site.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:53 AM   #13682
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In researching my family history, I discovered my Father was a failed stage magician.
This probably explained why I grew up with two half sisters.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:27 PM   #13683
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 05-27-2018, 10:01 PM   #13684
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machman View Post
In researching my family history, I discovered my Father was a failed stage magician.
This probably explained why I grew up with two half sisters.
He might be my father as well. Mum did say that when she told him she was expecting me he did a pretty impressive vanishing act.
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Old 05-28-2018, 02:39 PM   #13685
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Every so often your girlfriend orders something online and asks you what you think...
and you can honestly say: 'It looks so much better on you!'

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Old 05-28-2018, 09:14 PM   #13686
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A hunchback goes to a bakery. The saleslady asks him what he wants. I would like to have a bread, answers the hunchback. At which the saleswoman says, first swallow the other one.
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Old 05-31-2018, 04:42 AM   #13687
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A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 05-31-2018, 05:05 PM   #13688
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The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”
The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the never to come back.”
The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life.”
Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”
The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 06-02-2018, 10:08 AM   #13689
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In his battle with David, Goliath telegraphed his final move:

... --- ...
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Old 06-02-2018, 10:11 AM   #13690
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Have you ever heard jokes about German Sausage

They're the Wurst
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