Letters to Viz

[Gin&Tonic]

I fancy some rabbit for my dinner tonight. Could anyone tell me if it’s cheaper from a butchers or a pet shop?
M. Jackson
Neverland.

How come monkeys are all hairy, yet they have pink arses with no hair on, whilst I am as bald as a coot with a big hairy arse? ...Perhaps Charles Darwin could explain this?
Phil Collins
Lands End.

Recreate a memorable visit to the homeopath by simply drinking a large glass of tap water and flushing a couple of £50 notes down the toilet.
J. Hendrix
Seattle

[haymarket]

Viz Top Tips


Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours.
Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Cheer loudly at 8.35pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly.
Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.