Ass Master - Page 2

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:33 PM

Three Parrots for sale. £150, £250 and £10.
Woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says, "Fuck me, a new brothel." The woman laughs.
Two of the woman's daughters come home and the parrot says "Fuck me, new prossies!"
The womans husband comes home and the parrot says "Fuck me Keith, I haven't seen you for weeks!"

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:35 PM

A man moves to a remote village in Wales and has been there a few months when there is a knock on the door.

"Hello mate, I'm your neighbor from down the road and wanted to let you know I'm having a party tonight".

Man thinks it's been a while and he hasn't met anybody so he says "thanks for the invite".

Neighbor says "I have to warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking"

Man says "that's okay...really could use a cold beer".

Neighbor says "there may even be some fighting".

Man says "no problem, I get along with everyone".

Neighbor says "might even be some wild sex".

Man says "no worries there mate...haven't shagged in awhile".

As the neighbor turns to leave the man asks "anything special I should wear?"

Neighbor says "Nope...just gonna be me an you!"

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:37 PM

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:39 PM

Some people keep a baseball bat or knife under their bed in case they get burgled in the night. I don't - if I ever get burgled I'll just scare them off with the battle-axe next to me.

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:41 PM

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:41 PM

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."

**Swiss T** · January 30th, 2009, 11:43 PM

Don't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months.

My balls still look like fucking walnuts

**Swiss T** · February 3rd, 2009, 08:04 PM

A man walked in the doctors with a cricket bat up his arse.

"doctor, you need to help me, i've got a cricket bat stuck up my arse." The man said.

The doctor replied "hows that?"

"Don't you fucking start."

**Swiss T** · February 3rd, 2009, 08:10 PM

Things You Learn From Watching Porn:

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy fucks.

People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.

If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients cocks.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'.

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

**Swiss T** · February 4th, 2009, 12:32 PM

My wife told me that since she got pregnant, she worries that I will not fancy her anymore because she is getting fat. She worries that I will leave her and go off with someone younger and slimmer.
She asked me what my biggest fear was.
"Bears," I told her.

January 30th, 2009, 11:33 PM	#11
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	Three Parrots for sale. £150, £250 and £10. Woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?" The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel." The woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says, "Fuck me, a new brothel." The woman laughs. Two of the woman's daughters come home and the parrot says "Fuck me, new prossies!" The womans husband comes home and the parrot says "Fuck me Keith, I haven't seen you for weeks!" __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

January 30th, 2009, 11:35 PM	#12
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	A man moves to a remote village in Wales and has been there a few months when there is a knock on the door. "Hello mate, I'm your neighbor from down the road and wanted to let you know I'm having a party tonight". Man thinks it's been a while and he hasn't met anybody so he says "thanks for the invite". Neighbor says "I have to warn you, there's going to be a lot of drinking" Man says "that's okay...really could use a cold beer". Neighbor says "there may even be some fighting". Man says "no problem, I get along with everyone". Neighbor says "might even be some wild sex". Man says "no worries there mate...haven't shagged in awhile". As the neighbor turns to leave the man asks "anything special I should wear?" Neighbor says "Nope...just gonna be me an you!" __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

January 30th, 2009, 11:37 PM	#13
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said: I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details. Well, I'm not. __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

January 30th, 2009, 11:39 PM	#14
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	Some people keep a baseball bat or knife under their bed in case they get burgled in the night. I don't - if I ever get burgled I'll just scare them off with the battle-axe next to me. __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

January 30th, 2009, 11:41 PM	#15
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you? __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

January 30th, 2009, 11:43 PM	#17
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	Don't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like fucking walnuts __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

February 3rd, 2009, 08:04 PM	#18
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	A man walked in the doctors with a cricket bat up his arse. "doctor, you need to help me, i've got a cricket bat stuck up my arse." The man said. The doctor replied "hows that?" "Don't you fucking start." __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

February 3rd, 2009, 08:10 PM	#19
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	Things You Learn From Watching Porn: Women wear high heels to bed. Men are never impotent. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job. Women always orgasm when men do. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket. All women are noisy fucks. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. Those tits are real. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) Double penetration makes women smile. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. There's a plot. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass. Nurses suck patients cocks. Men always pull out. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you. Women never have headaches. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'. Assholes are clean. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there. Men don't have to beg. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

February 4th, 2009, 12:32 PM	#20
Swiss T A legend in his own bathtime Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 220 Thanks: 158 Thanked 12,139 Times in 222 Posts	My wife told me that since she got pregnant, she worries that I will not fancy her anymore because she is getting fat. She worries that I will leave her and go off with someone younger and slimmer. She asked me what my biggest fear was. "Bears," I told her. __________________ Posting in the Forum is like making love to a beautiful woman....first you have to have a good look, get a feel of things, pick the right spot, then slip one in.

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