Post your corny jokes - Page 1197

**tamsmith** · January 26th, 2017, 10:52 PM

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, " Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then that neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

**tamsmith** · January 26th, 2017, 10:54 PM

Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies .

I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me.

He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated .....

[signed] Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady! Remember ......you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!

**photoflex** · January 28th, 2017, 11:12 PM

If this universe is a simulation created by a higher intelligence, I think now is the time for it to try turning it off & on again (please).

Estreeter · January 29th, 2017, 12:31 PM

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

**effCup** · January 29th, 2017, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estreeter

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

Only in the past tense.

gaeldom · January 29th, 2017, 08:47 PM

Two astrophysicists are travelling through the galaxy, when a miscalculation ends up pulling them into a black hole. Certain doom seemingly imminent, but seeing a final burst of hope in using the Faster Than Light drive to blast them forward before reaching the event horizon, the first scientist sets into a frenzy, turning knobs and pulling levers in a desperate attempt to get out alive.
He then notices the second scientist, who, instead of working into a frenzy of button pressing, is excitedly scribbling down notes, pausing only to look out the porthole with glee. The first scientist, still working at a feverish pace, says "What are you doing? We're about to be crushed by a black hole!"
The second one responds, "I know! Isn't it so exciting? This event could lead to a major breakthrough in science. If only I could just figure out how an object so small is pulling us in..." he trails off.
The first astrophysicist stops and looks at him, then sighs. "I dont think you really understand the gravity of the situation here."

**SanteeFats** · January 29th, 2017, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaeldom

when a miscalculation ends up pulling them into a black hole"

What was her name??

**captpike** · January 30th, 2017, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

What was her name??

I'm guessing Scylla

Estreeter · January 30th, 2017, 09:40 AM

If you stole my Microsoft Office, you're gonna pay.

You have my Word

**effCup** · January 30th, 2017, 10:34 AM

Indubitably. Was that your word?

January 26th, 2017, 10:52 PM	#11961
tamsmith Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coming close to the Slippery Slope. Posts: 7,800 Thanks: 77,915 Thanked 280,434 Times in 9,078 Posts	The Hit Man Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, " Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then that neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

January 28th, 2017, 11:12 PM	#11963
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,584 Thanks: 37,951 Thanked 127,846 Times in 3,571 Posts	If this universe is a simulation created by a higher intelligence, I think now is the time for it to try turning it off & on again (please). __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

January 29th, 2017, 12:31 PM	#11964
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,189 Thanks: 450,173 Thanked 897,603 Times in 60,391 Posts	Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 30th, 2017, 09:40 AM	#11969
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,189 Thanks: 450,173 Thanked 897,603 Times in 60,391 Posts	If you stole my Microsoft Office, you're gonna pay. You have my Word __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

January 26th, 2017, 10:54 PM	#11962
tamsmith Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coming close to the Slippery Slope. Posts: 7,800 Thanks: 77,915 Thanked 280,434 Times in 9,078 Posts	Dear Abby, My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off! Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated ..... [signed] Mad as Hell Dear Mad as Hell You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady! Remember ......you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!

January 29th, 2017, 08:47 PM	#11966
gaeldom Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 378 Thanks: 3,012 Thanked 5,431 Times in 375 Posts	Two astrophysicists are travelling through the galaxy, when a miscalculation ends up pulling them into a black hole. Certain doom seemingly imminent, but seeing a final burst of hope in using the Faster Than Light drive to blast them forward before reaching the event horizon, the first scientist sets into a frenzy, turning knobs and pulling levers in a desperate attempt to get out alive. He then notices the second scientist, who, instead of working into a frenzy of button pressing, is excitedly scribbling down notes, pausing only to look out the porthole with glee. The first scientist, still working at a feverish pace, says "What are you doing? We're about to be crushed by a black hole!" The second one responds, "I know! Isn't it so exciting? This event could lead to a major breakthrough in science. If only I could just figure out how an object so small is pulling us in..." he trails off. The first astrophysicist stops and looks at him, then sighs. "I dont think you really understand the gravity of the situation here."

January 30th, 2017, 10:34 AM	#11970
effCup *Vintage Idiot* Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: History Posts: 22,143 Thanks: 226,791 Thanked 357,042 Times in 21,638 Posts	Indubitably. Was that your word?