Post your corny jokes - Page 337

**jackpinesavage** · January 15th, 2012, 02:40 AM

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25: Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life " one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

**cuzzyman927** · January 15th, 2012, 03:32 AM

Its said that Orange Juice is good for you,
but this is one O J that could kill you!

**Eric Cartman** · January 15th, 2012, 03:45 PM

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interferring with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

**Jeff Vader** · January 15th, 2012, 05:38 PM

What's the most dangerous bee in the world?

Hepatitis B

And the most dangerous ocean?

Hepatitis C.

**BondJmsBond** · January 15th, 2012, 08:27 PM

If the cook in a Chinese Restaurant suddenly quit, would he take a wok?

**electile disfunction** · January 16th, 2012, 12:20 PM

The poem, "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" by Emily Dickinson, is posted at the link below.

The joke is that it can be sung to the tune of "Yellow Rose of Texas"--a fact which causes high school literature teachers no end of heartburn when their students find out ...

http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com...&postcount=334

(Thank you for the poem, george!)
e.d.

**Eric Cartman** · January 16th, 2012, 02:28 PM

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.

The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" and the man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairss and asks her "What the hell was that?"

She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind -The Bush!"

**Acanthus2003** · January 16th, 2012, 03:38 PM

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

**Acanthus2003** · January 16th, 2012, 03:44 PM

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

**Jeff Vader** · January 16th, 2012, 06:59 PM

There's something about lollipop ladies that really irritates me...they always make me cross.

January 15th, 2012, 02:40 AM	#3361
jackpinesavage Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: My House Posts: 1,778 Thanks: 4,039 Thanked 36,058 Times in 1,765 Posts	The Demented Snow Shoveler Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25: Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life " one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

January 15th, 2012, 03:32 AM	#3362
cuzzyman927 Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Down at the "Y" Posts: 33,073 Thanks: 390,390 Thanked 1,111,779 Times in 36,682 Posts	Its said that Orange Juice is good for you, but this is one O J that could kill you! Last edited by cuzzyman927; January 15th, 2012 at 03:36 AM.. Reason: word change

January 15th, 2012, 03:45 PM	#3363
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,159 Times in 14,497 Posts	Signs You Have A Drinking Problem You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interferring with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of glass. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

January 15th, 2012, 05:38 PM	#3364
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,035 Times in 6,511 Posts	What's the most dangerous bee in the world? Hepatitis B And the most dangerous ocean? Hepatitis C. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

January 16th, 2012, 02:28 PM	#3367
Eric Cartman Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: The streets of Butter Nuts, New York. Posts: 11,082 Thanks: 97,294 Thanked 435,159 Times in 14,497 Posts	A man doing yard work A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" and the man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairss and asks her "What the hell was that?" She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind -The Bush!"

January 15th, 2012, 08:27 PM	#3365
BondJmsBond Vintage Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 3,072 Thanks: 28,218 Thanked 27,346 Times in 3,018 Posts	If the cook in a Chinese Restaurant suddenly quit, would he take a wok?

January 16th, 2012, 12:20 PM	#3366
electile disfunction Vintage Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Somewhere flat, that's either hot, cold, or windy ... Canada? Posts: 1,966 Thanks: 42,100 Thanked 21,355 Times in 1,903 Posts	The poem, "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" by Emily Dickinson, is posted at the link below. The joke is that it can be sung to the tune of "Yellow Rose of Texas"--a fact which causes high school literature teachers no end of heartburn when their students find out ... http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com...&postcount=334 (Thank you for the poem, george!) e.d.

January 16th, 2012, 03:38 PM	#3368
Acanthus2003 Who the Trump is fuck? Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Pandora's floating "Hallelujah Mountains" Posts: 1,208 Thanks: 127,132 Thanked 65,967 Times in 1,214 Posts	A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

January 16th, 2012, 03:44 PM	#3369
Acanthus2003 Who the Trump is fuck? Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Pandora's floating "Hallelujah Mountains" Posts: 1,208 Thanks: 127,132 Thanked 65,967 Times in 1,214 Posts	A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

January 16th, 2012, 06:59 PM	#3370
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,035 Times in 6,511 Posts	There's something about lollipop ladies that really irritates me...they always make me cross. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :