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Old 09-04-2005, 03:52 PM   #1
Swiss T
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Big Grin Post your corny jokes

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."


Ouch.
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Old 09-20-2008, 02:50 PM   #2
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Q: Why is a duck like British Gas?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arses.

This is one Mike Harding used to tell, he made it last half an hour.
It's Christmas Eve and this bloke's forgotten to get a turkey, he's also desperate to see a film that's getting its last showing (this joke pre-dates DVD) so he goes to the butchers and the only turkey left is still alive and putting up a fight, bald patches all over it and feathers everywhere. He's got no choice so the bloke takes it and he's only got a few minutes to get to the cinema so he stuffs in under his raincoat and holds it between his legs to sneak in. He gets into the cinema just as the lights are going down and sits next to two young women, the turkey clamped between his thighs and his raincoat buttoned. He can feel the turkey moving about but he figures its dark so what the Hell. After a few minutes one of the women turns to the other and says "I think the fella next to me's got his cock out" "So what? You've seen one, you've seen 'em all" "But this one's eating my crisps"

The first flight by Irish Airways to New York. The plane's coming in to land when the pilot gets a message from the tower "sorry, but we've got so much traffic we'll have to give you the shortest runway so take care when you're landing" The pilot circles round, to line up his descent and says to the co-pilot "this looks tricky, as soon as we touch the ground I want full reverse engines, full flaps and brakes and let's hope we make it". The plane hits the tarmac, howling engines, screaming tires as the end of the runway gets closer and closer. Just when it looks like they'll be ploughing into the earth the plane finally screams to a stop with inches to spare. The pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and looks out of the windows and says "that was too close, no doubt about it, that was the shortest runway I've ever seen" and the co-pilot says "but will you look at the width of it"
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Old 09-20-2008, 07:12 PM   #3
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to
reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea', she replied. 'Just for
tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good', she replied. 'Get your own fucking
blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
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Old 09-20-2008, 09:27 PM   #4
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When I was younger I used to get sick of aunts and uncles poking me in the ribs at family weddings and saying. 'Your next.' Now I'm older I get my own back at family funerals by poking them in the ribs and saying 'Your next.'
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Old 09-21-2008, 05:35 PM   #5
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What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off,and say your sorry!
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:24 PM   #6
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Aardvaark walks into a bar. Barman says: 'Why the long face?'
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:58 AM   #7
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China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos...
there are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY,
people were always winging wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this...
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Old 09-27-2008, 07:31 AM   #8
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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.
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Old 09-28-2008, 02:47 AM   #9
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At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding
she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected
'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85
year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight
and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy ! each other.


But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'



Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I
was here already?'


The moral of the story:


Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:58 PM   #10
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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the
birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.
'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no
Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for.'
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