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Old 03-13-2019, 04:58 PM   #14631
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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Old 03-13-2019, 05:19 PM   #14632
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Why can't orphans play baseball ? ,

They never know where home is .


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Old 03-13-2019, 10:57 PM   #14633
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I got a lovely message from the tax people today. They've told me that my tax return is outstanding. I was delighted to learn that but I don't actually recall sending one.
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Old 03-14-2019, 06:56 AM   #14634
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as a traffic warden's coffin was lowered into the grave, a loud voice yelled out "let me out - i'm still alive".

the pastor moved closer to the coffin and said "it's too f**king late, mate. i've already filled out the paperwork".
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Old 03-14-2019, 12:02 PM   #14635
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A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
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Old 03-14-2019, 04:34 PM   #14636
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Jewish son ~ Can I have 50p ?.

Jewish dad ~ 40p ? , what do you want 30p for ?
.


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Old 03-14-2019, 07:48 PM   #14637
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Honestly, my mate is just so unlucky. He's just told me his sex doll is pregnant.
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Old 03-15-2019, 05:11 PM   #14638
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Chemistry teacher asked me to write a thousand word essay on Acid ,

Couldn't complete it though
,

Once my pen turned into a dancing Rhino and the room melted.



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Old 03-15-2019, 11:13 PM   #14639
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Somebody walked up to me in the pub last night.
He said, "Do you remember a girl called Alison that you shagged in Ibiza in 1990?"
I grinned and said, "Oh yeah, I think I do".
He replied, "You must be my Dad then".
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Old 03-16-2019, 11:55 AM   #14640
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At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. "Great," said the teacher, "thats very important."
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. "Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education."
"Yes it does," said Johnny it taught those Indians not to f..k with John Wayne."
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