Post your corny jokes - Page 1184

**gedly** · December 3rd, 2016, 02:26 PM

A priest goes to see a condemned criminal the evening before his execution. The priest asks him, "Do you have any special requests before your execution tomorrow morning?" The convict replies, "Oh, nothing special, just my usual copy of The Sun". "Why do you want a copy of The Sun tomorrow morning?", the priest asks. The convict replies, "Well, I always like reading my horoscope first thing in the morning"

**captpike** · December 4th, 2016, 02:57 PM

**SanteeFats** · December 4th, 2016, 07:30 PM

Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"

**trailmaster** · December 5th, 2016, 12:53 PM

Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years." "But doctor, I am already 80!" "You see--I told you to quit smoking."
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I'm sorry and I apologize generally mean the same thing-except at funerals.
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Yes, money can't buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more confortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
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One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us-We haven't done anything."
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Oh welcome home darling, "he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bed."

**trailmaster** · December 6th, 2016, 12:51 PM

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his father replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, she accidently drops a bottle of perfume, and says, "Shit!" He asks her "What is shit?" and she says, "perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks , "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing". Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."
The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."

**SanteeFats** · December 6th, 2016, 01:22 PM

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

**tygrkhat40** · December 6th, 2016, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

I think the only thing older than that joke is dirt. But only by about a week.

**deadman76** · December 6th, 2016, 02:29 PM

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water

MaxJoker · December 6th, 2016, 04:14 PM

Guess who I saw today ? ,

Everybody I looked at !

**trailmaster** · December 7th, 2016, 12:22 PM

A panda walk into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

December 4th, 2016, 02:57 PM	#11832
captpike Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: TALOS IV or South Carolina Posts: 1,175 Thanks: 80,321 Thanked 47,306 Times in 1,164 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Looking for more of or about her? Due to recent changes I will be limited on my reups lost most of my collection To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

December 6th, 2016, 04:14 PM	#11839
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,559 Times in 69,067 Posts	Guess who I saw today ? , Everybody I looked at ! __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

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December 3rd, 2016, 02:26 PM	#11831
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,307 Times in 3,171 Posts	A priest goes to see a condemned criminal the evening before his execution. The priest asks him, "Do you have any special requests before your execution tomorrow morning?" The convict replies, "Oh, nothing special, just my usual copy of The Sun". "Why do you want a copy of The Sun tomorrow morning?", the priest asks. The convict replies, "Well, I always like reading my horoscope first thing in the morning"

December 4th, 2016, 07:30 PM	#11833
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,782 Times in 60,861 Posts	Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"

December 5th, 2016, 12:53 PM	#11834
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,169 Times in 60,062 Posts	Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years." "But doctor, I am already 80!" "You see--I told you to quit smoking." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm sorry and I apologize generally mean the same thing-except at funerals. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, money can't buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more confortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us-We haven't done anything." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Oh welcome home darling, "he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bed."

December 6th, 2016, 12:51 PM	#11835
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,169 Times in 60,062 Posts	A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his father replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, she accidently drops a bottle of perfume, and says, "Shit!" He asks her "What is shit?" and she says, "perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks , "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing". Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."

December 6th, 2016, 01:22 PM	#11836
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,782 Times in 60,861 Posts	Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

December 6th, 2016, 02:29 PM	#11838
deadman76 Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: Living Room Posts: 775 Thanks: 9,759 Thanked 10,944 Times in 773 Posts	Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water

December 7th, 2016, 12:22 PM	#11840
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,169 Times in 60,062 Posts	A panda walk into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."