The Late Late Late Well Out Of Date News Flash Thread !

[MaxJoker]

Guess what fellow readers of the rigorous riotous righteous !.

Been wondering who may replace that Italian bloke that done attempted to manage England`s gray, I mean, golden era boys ?.



Hah, then wonder no more.

As this iron lung dwelling syphilitic addicted to all known drugs, always high, highly disrespected V.E.F roving Veteran reporter has "Da scoop" to end all scoops

Uh -Cough- Huh.

Turns out England's new manager will be no other than (Lamely Less) Roy (FA Yes Man) Hodges !.



Exactly !.

Could any of you come up with a better leader ?.

I mean once you discount several hundred million others , including Postman Pat.

Or even Jess his cat

Yet let`s not live in the "If only" era.

As I`m sure this bewildered elderly flatulent morally bankrupt sell out loser (No relation) is exactly the dead battery our national side needs to re-energize itself



In fact when I by pure chance , broke into his home. Then shook him awake and asked him to tell the forum nation what ideas he had planned to carry our extortionately over paid squad of tossers to at least the quarter finals !.

He said ,

Well actually all he did was point to the bathroom in blank eyed panic.



Shit himself while blaming others for the stench.



Then pretended none of it was his fault.



Exactly,

Same old same old

[Estreeter]

I've been occupying my time lately watching that gripping OJ Simpson murder trial

And I gotta admit, At first I thought he was guilty as hell


But after seeing him try that glove on



I think he's actually innocent

That Johnny Chocrane, What a defense lawyer he is, only good can come from him

[MaxJoker]

Jizz just chin fellow avid new hounds

Internet goes into viral meltdown over Cheryl Kale (As was) finding loathe with Pepe Le Pew



Thankfully my local constabulary is amenable to bribes. So I was quickly out of the cell and immediately on hand to take snaps (As in Dong Snaps my Chinese photographer) with me to immortalise the scene.

"What do you like most about your soon to be white flag waving husband ?" I said , while opening a ninth can.



"His fabulous tan" the super talented songstress replied. Her blank dead eyes rolling back inside her head.



I know, I know... It`s like they were meant toooo beee



Hey call me an old romantic crack meth whiskey mead crayon eating addict with prior convictions for fiddling with me giblets down at my local Tesco express , If you want.

Only I predict this couples of couple will be happily married for many many many grinning years to come



Or my names not Mrs Mable Hilda Beauregard Snr

[MaxJoker]

Attention barely still awake news hounds addicted to news breaking news !

Guess the terrific pairing of actors who got married today

Yeah sorry , using the term "Actors" was kind of a trick question.
They have however for some reason been paid to appear in films.
Indeed,
Congratulations.

Mrs N Mr Said-Dimp who are now officially married



An unnamed source told me tomorrow

In fact they also told me the classy couple were kinda devastated I`d not been there.
Even pointing and wondering so was their understandable grief.



So aggrieved they intend calling their first born after me in tribute.
Fortunate for their kid that Parasite is unisex



So what do you most like about married life Jim ?, I inquired with a rueful grimace.
" I get to see her naked you ugly bastard"
That satin Lothario answered with a twinkle



Ahhh and what do you most like about married life Amy ? , I spatula-ted with a beguiling nose sneeze .
" The cretin doesn't mind I keep my eyes closed whenever he`s naked"
She replied , matching my sneeze with a something altogether more meaty and long lasting .



Typing of long lasting.
Call me a degenerate meth addict who`s on the run for crimes involving an underage mayfly and a jar of Bovril , if you will.

Yet I predict the Deppseses will enjoy a long and happy marriage.

That`s tight , you rode it beer first

[Estreeter]

A parental advisory warning before this news story

Mums and Dads, lock up your kids, there is new growing fad that can harm your children's health and risk becoming "to cool"


The new fad allows youngsters to carry around their music wherever go, even a few cassettes



Ghetto Blasters or Boom Boxes as they're known are all the rage, so Mmms and Dads, save up a few bucks, the kids are gonna want them for Christmas....... But only after a good beatin' Santa gives them first for being shitheads most of the year

[Bill derBerg]

While on tour of the dark continent philosopher, statesman, scientist, jurist, orator, author and part time pastry chef Francis Bacon has been eaten by cannibals. His travel mates Eddie Beers and Fiona Apple are missing and presumed delicious.

[Gladys Allova]

Fish

Yeah that's right , you heard about it first here The latest fruit of the oceans have been discovered & found to be tasty.
Rumours abound from the middle east a few years ago where a severe lack of liquid did not deter a young woodworker, retraining as a water-walker, fell through & came out of the water with a Lampray attached to a delicate area of his body
A young Mr Magdelaine said at first he asked his step-father WTF? but unsatisfied with the answer the determined man later asked his birth-father at bedtime (strange family if you ask me)
The reply was unsettling, "serves you right son", but the advice was good. Whack it in the pan, give it 5 mins per side and serve with chips

Coming to a market near you soon if only to stink the place out
Fish, the new miracle food that is claimed to feed thousands Fish

I'll say it again .., Fish
as Tony the tiger says, "They're Food"

[wimbo77]

Little did the british public know what kind of train they would be getting for High Speed 2.

[Gladys Allova]

I've just been watching a fascinating documentary on Channel 5 about this Alfred Hitler guy
somebody should do something before he gets taken with his own publicity

Surely (yes I did just call you Shirley) can't Prime Minister Tony Blairs come-up with some sort of dossier to persuade the world he's a very naughty boy and maybe should be treated with some suspicion
at least until he has finished his chores & done his art school homework

I read more about him here

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Adolf_Hitler

[Gladys Allova]

Some errors were pointed-out to me about the previous article

Where I typed "Prime Minister Tony Blairs",

Originally Posted by Me , (earlier)

.... Prime Minister Tony Blairs

I should have typed "Prime Minister Mr Tony Blairs"

Sorry for any confusion & hate mail consequently sent to Labour MP Tommy Brrrr