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Old 01-11-2017, 10:22 AM   #12281
Almero
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I am an alcoholic and I'm proud to say I'm now 200 days sober. I was devastated though when my counsellor told me the days have to be in a row.


My dog has a habit of chasing people on bikes.
So i took his bike off him today.
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Old 01-11-2017, 06:08 PM   #12282
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I tried to seize the day but it put me in a headlock and gave me a wedgie.
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I be done re upping. PM me if you run into one that needs attention and I will see what I can do.


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Old 01-16-2017, 11:07 PM   #12283
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Years ago I was on a date & asked the woman what she did for a living.
She said she worked at the zoo.
I thought 'she sounds like a keeper'
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:16 PM   #12284
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The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Old 01-19-2017, 09:38 PM   #12285
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My mate kept taking the pi$$ out of me for having a pay as you go mobile phone.
"you got a pay as you go phone, you got a pay as you go phone" he would sing
So in the end i took out a contract..................... and had him killed.
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Old 01-19-2017, 10:54 PM   #12286
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Of course, I've always been a tireless campaigner for suffers of insomnia.
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Old 01-20-2017, 12:44 AM   #12287
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Bilbo burgled a cup from the hoard of the dragon Smaug. This is known. Not as well publicized was the theft of Smaug's private journal. An excerpt:

Dear Diary,
I may need spectacles. During a foray I mis-gauged the air-to-ground distance and ate a half mouthful of sod with my peasant. It wasn't half bad! I shall call the meal SERF AND TURF.
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Old 01-21-2017, 03:42 AM   #12288
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I just accidentally swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles. I'm so scared. My next dump might spell disaster. ..
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Old 01-21-2017, 09:50 AM   #12289
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Staffsyeoman View Post
My next dump might spell disaster. ..
A relatively small bag of just 8 tiles, then.
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Old 01-21-2017, 03:33 PM   #12290
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I just found out my wife had me cloned and has been seeing him behind my back. Is she cheating on me??
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I be done re upping. PM me if you run into one that needs attention and I will see what I can do.


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