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Old January 4th, 2009, 07:24 PM   #51
tobe2165
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Default Some brazilian translations

"Pretty Woman" - "Skinny tramp lucky day"

"Leaving Las Vegas" - "The Caipirinha lover"

"Interview With The Vampire" - "Suck it or leave it"

"The Piano" - "The Tom Jobim gran grandma life estory"

"My Best Friend's Wedding" - "Make up your mind,skinny tramp!"

"George of the Jungle" - "The Rain Forest hero"

"Scent of a Woman" - "The sniffer"

"Love, Valour, Compassion!" - "Seven skeletons and a closet"

"Babe" - "The Possessed pig"

"Twister" _ "Gone with the wind II"

"Field of Dreams" - "The wild and crazy guy"

"Barb Wire" - "Great balls of silicones"

"Batman & Robin" - "Batman & Robin-The Gala Gay ball menace"

"The Crying Game" _ "The passable woman sting"

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Old January 12th, 2009, 01:21 PM   #52
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Default

A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." A small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine," said the woman. "I've turned the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."


THE SCREAMER
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" he said. The drunk replied, " I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Old January 20th, 2009, 02:37 PM   #53
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Default Classic Double Entendre Live TV quotes:

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
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Old January 21st, 2009, 12:52 PM   #54
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Default New president first day

_We need changes,Mr.President!
_I know that.Where do I start?
_What about the "White House Tour" rules left by the previous administration?

1.Prohibited items include the following:M1A1, M9, and M9A1 rocket launchers.Other than that,anything goes.
*Martial arts weapons/devices:Bruce Lee fans only.

Personal grooming items (make-up, hair brush or comb, lip or hand lotions, etc.):Nina Ricci or Dior only.

The U.S. Secret Service reserves the right to prohibit any other personal items:dildos,buttplugs,nipple clamps and enema bags.

2.Visually-Impaired.
Guide animals are permitted:tigers,lions,bears,pitbull and rottweiler dogs only.

3.Parking.
The closest Metrorail stations to the White House are the Bermuda Triangle(blue and orange seaweeds),M.G.M(blue, orange, and red studios) and Piccadily Circus Square(ask the pink shirt male prostitute for directions)
*Use of public transportation is strongly encouraged(Don´t like it?We don´t care).

4.Restrooms or public telephones are not available at the White House.Bring your own pissing bag/diaper and megaphone.
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Old January 21st, 2009, 12:53 PM   #55
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Default

_Mr.President?...about the WHITE HOUSE internship program.
_Yes...
_Beyonce starts tomorrow.
_Thank GOD!!! Send an apology note to Oprah...some flowers and one box of chocolates.Second thought,make it two.She will have another chance in the future...
_Way to go,Sir!

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Old January 21st, 2009, 12:57 PM   #56
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Big Grin A short love story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End
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Old January 21st, 2009, 02:58 PM   #57
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Default

_President Lula from Brazil,Sir.He says it´s urgente.
_What he wants?
_He needs you at the Carnaval Parade next month.He saw you dancing at Ellen´s show.
_Dammit!
Send him a good scotch...make it a dozen.And one more of that Vietnam chopper.Last one was stolen by Elton John and his new brazilian lover.
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Old January 21st, 2009, 04:48 PM   #58
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Default

Rise of the violins.Fade out.Credits.

Jennifer Aniston
_"I believe the "f---ing" was the toughest line.Joe Pesci helped me.Love you,Joe!

Brad Pitt - Actor´s Choice Award nominated.
"Best perform ever.Classic.- The Times."
"_I´m so proud.He was born to play this character! - Angelina Jolie."
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Old January 22nd, 2009, 09:45 AM   #59
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Default The Black Bra

A female friend had had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a

mistress, and she had been married for 20+ years. They were

chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing

a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They

agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

The engaged friend: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found

me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and

said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love

all night long”.

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I

was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a

raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had

wild sex all night.”

Then the married women shared her story: “When my husband came home I was wearing

the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?”
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Old January 23rd, 2009, 06:01 PM   #60
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Default

A guy goes to a priest. "Father, I think my wife wants to poison me." The priest tries to calm him down: "Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with her and I'll talk to you afterwards."

Next day, the priest calls the guy and says: "I've talked to your wife for almost three hours. My advice? Take the poison."
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