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Old September 8th, 2010, 08:15 PM   #1001
VintageKell
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Default If It Tastes Good .....

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and strawberry jam apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jam."

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

He does and he savors a sweet strawberry jam.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, cheddary cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

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Old September 8th, 2010, 08:16 PM   #1002
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Default

Why are breasts like train sets?
Because they're both meant for children but Dads like to play with them!
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Old September 8th, 2010, 09:04 PM   #1003
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Quote:
Originally Posted by navvet View Post
In Canada, the most popular sexual position is Doggie style. That way they can both watch the Hockey game.
... and ride snowmobiles together.
e.d.
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Old September 9th, 2010, 10:01 AM   #1004
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Default

If a girl with big boobies works at Hooter's, where do girls with one leg work?

IHop
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Old September 9th, 2010, 04:01 PM   #1005
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Default

What's the difference between an acrobatic show and a nude chorus line?

One is an array of cunning stunts...
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Old September 9th, 2010, 09:30 PM   #1006
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Default The Black Knight

A man entered a pub.
When he asked for a beer the landlord replied: “Okay, but you'll have to make it quick, were closing shortly as we're expecting the Black Knight any minute!”

The man looked around and saw how all other customers paid their bills and hurried to get their coats and leave the pub. The man started drinking his beer with a puzzled look and didn't understand a thing of all this commotion.

Then the landlord asked him “Could you please pay me NOW so we can leave on time because I really don't want the Black Knight to find us.” The man, with even more puzzled look, searched his pockets for some coins only to find out that the landlord also suddenly had left, abandoning his own pub.
So, there he was, all alone, when suddenly with a loud bang the door was kicked to pieces and this big bloke came in. He was at least 7 feet tall, had a black leather jacket, leather pants and motorcycle boots. He looked under some tables, looked behind doors, peeked in a closet, and then walked to the poor guy and said with his bearded grin: “You're going to give me a blowjob, Right Now!”

Before he could even reply the big guy put his huge cock in his mouth and started pumping away.
“Faster!” he shouted at the poor fellow, who could hardly keep up. “Faster, I told you, FASTER!”
After some minutes at the first chance the poor man asked the big bloke: “Please, why do I have to do it so fast?” “Well what do you think!” the big bloke replied, “I want you to finish me off before the Black Knight arrives!”.
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Old September 9th, 2010, 09:53 PM   #1007
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Default

Two blokes chatting. One says to the other "Fancy a pint?"
"Bit early isn't it?" says the other, to which the first bloke replies "Scotch then?"

Why do women fake it? They think men care ....

Bloke goes into a bar and asks for ten shots of single malt whisky, each in different glass. As the landlord starts pouring them and lining them up on the bar, the customer starts knocking them back. The barman is puzzled. "You don't have to order them all at once, you know", to which the customer replies "You do if you've got what I've got". The concerned barman says "Why, what have you got?". "67 pence" the customer replies ...
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Old September 9th, 2010, 10:01 PM   #1008
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Difference between an airfix kit and David Beckham? The former is a glueless kit....

Last edited by Astatine; September 9th, 2010 at 10:01 PM.. Reason: Fix a critical typo
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Old September 10th, 2010, 08:33 PM   #1009
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Default Not for the faint hearted

A guy went to the red light district with just five pound to spend. After being rejected everywhere he finally found some granny who would do her tricks. They went inside, washed themselves, she removed her fake-teeth and she gave him a blowjob.
After a while it was time to fuck but she warned him: “I'm having my period right now so my pussy is off limits this week. What I can do is anal, doggy style”.
The guy felt very lucky and had no objections. She went on her knees, he kneeled behind her and spreaded her bum. Then -when he had a good look- he screamed: “Oh my god, that's disgusting, maggots”! The old tart replied: “Yes, maggots, what else did you expect for 5 pounds, Jumbo Shrimps on garlic?”
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Old September 10th, 2010, 09:43 PM   #1010
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Default

A blind guy goes to a brothel and asks for the sexiest woman they have. As he's blind the madam sets him up with a very mature spotty type. However, he doesn't notice and goes to a room with her. She gets her kit off and he runs a hand over her butt. "Sorry, my arse is a bit pimply" she says. "No worries" replies the guy, " I thought it was the price list for a minute!"
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