Ass Master

[Swiss T]

Let's start with this one:

I sat down with my Grandmother last night to watch a DVD I'd bought for her from Amazon.

After a few minutes, I began to wish I'd read the plot on the website.

It turns out 'The Ass Master' is NOT a documentary about donkey sanctuaries.

[Swiss T]

I'm about three years into my marriage now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My wife and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;

And I've bought her a treadmill.

[Swiss T]

A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:

"When you see a human, you approach to about 30ft from him, make sure he sees you and then you swim a couple of circles around him. Then you get closer to about 10ft, and again you swim a few circles around him. Then you come really close to him, even touch him, you wait one minute and then, well, you eat him."

"But why can't I just get him and eat him?" asks the little shark.

"You can do that, too, if you don't mind eating his shit."

[Swiss T]

My wife found out I've been having an affair so she showed me a video of her having sex with another man to get back at me.
Should have seen her face when I told her it was the same man I was having the affair with.

[Swiss T]

My fondest memory from childhood was shagging my babysitter.
Right in the middle she said, "We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore."

I said, "Why? I'm not paying you, my parents are!"

[Swiss T]

A really flat chested woman was asking her husband how she could make her breasts bigger.
The husband says, "Why don't you rub toilet paper on them."
The woman says, "Will rubbing toilet paper on them really make my tits bigger?"
Husband says, "Well it worked on your arse, didn't it?"

[Swiss T]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[Swiss T]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

[Swiss T]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Swiss T]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"