Post your corny jokes - Page 964

**captpike** · May 21st, 2015, 09:43 PM

Two blondes walked into a building you'd think one of them would have seen it ?

**Jeff Vader** · May 21st, 2015, 10:25 PM

My cat's just been commissioned to write his first autobiography.

It's part of a nine book deal.

**SanteeFats** · May 21st, 2015, 10:27 PM

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

**gedly** · May 24th, 2015, 10:18 AM

The UK entry for the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest has been announced.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_ukwc_AvZE

**tamsmith** · May 24th, 2015, 10:27 AM

COUPLES WATCH

Special Travel Package for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free!
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.
92% of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides
to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of
yours & he needs a lot of improvement."

Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in
his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,
hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how
to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you !

**Jeff Vader** · May 24th, 2015, 12:08 PM

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

**justme21** · May 24th, 2015, 01:13 PM

**tygrkhat40** · May 24th, 2015, 01:47 PM

I was going to give a lecture on regurgitation. It's a delicate subject to bring up.

**SanteeFats** · May 24th, 2015, 02:14 PM

Tolerance:

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot." "Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, an adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." "All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us."

Aaron · May 24th, 2015, 09:31 PM

Godzilla is attacking Pacific islands, and to freshen his breath, he's chewing Guam!

May 21st, 2015, 10:25 PM	#9632
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	My cat's just been commissioned to write his first autobiography. It's part of a nine book deal. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

May 24th, 2015, 12:08 PM	#9636
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview, "Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. " "Do you expect me to talk? " "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. " __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

May 24th, 2015, 01:47 PM	#9638
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 152,630 Times in 9,629 Posts	I was going to give a lecture on regurgitation. It's a delicate subject to bring up. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

May 21st, 2015, 09:43 PM	#9631
captpike Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: TALOS IV or South Carolina Posts: 1,175 Thanks: 80,344 Thanked 47,308 Times in 1,164 Posts	Two blondes walked into a building you'd think one of them would have seen it ?

May 21st, 2015, 10:27 PM	#9633
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,838 Thanks: 281,871 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

May 24th, 2015, 10:18 AM	#9634
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,886 Thanked 69,318 Times in 3,171 Posts	The UK entry for the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest has been announced..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_ukwc_AvZE

May 24th, 2015, 10:27 AM	#9635
tamsmith Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Coming close to the Slippery Slope. Posts: 7,800 Thanks: 77,915 Thanked 280,416 Times in 9,078 Posts	COUPLES WATCH Special Travel Package for Businessmen An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free! After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was. 92% of them gave the same reply..."What trip?" New SIM to Surprise Her Husband Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling." The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen. Cool Message by a Wife Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement." Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?" His honest reply, "MISSING YOU." Habit of Talking in Sleep A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it? Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake. Natural Disasters Just Happen Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen. Your Husband Needs Rest Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you !

May 24th, 2015, 01:13 PM	#9637
justme21 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2015 Posts: 882 Thanks: 7,757 Thanked 16,628 Times in 880 Posts

May 24th, 2015, 02:14 PM	#9639
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,838 Thanks: 281,871 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	Tolerance: Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance." "That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot." "Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, an adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs." "Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." "All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us."

May 24th, 2015, 09:31 PM	#9640
Aaron Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: U.S. of A. Posts: 206 Thanks: 6,639 Thanked 2,740 Times in 201 Posts	Godzilla is attacking Pacific islands, and to freshen his breath, he's chewing Guam!