Post your corny jokes - Page 958

**SanteeFats** · May 7th, 2015, 08:34 PM

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

**gedly** · May 7th, 2015, 10:12 PM

A truck containing Fanta orange juice was attacked and vandalised today. Reports say it was done by a group of people who came from another truck and then drove off. It's got Tango written all over it.

**SanteeFats** · May 8th, 2015, 02:28 PM

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

**Jeff Vader** · May 9th, 2015, 01:13 PM

David Cameron has vowed to create a million new jobs during his new term as Prime Minister.

Too right.

Those food banks won't run themselves, will they?

**SanteeFats** · May 9th, 2015, 02:15 PM

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them.

'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.'

'I'm game for this,' says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting 'GOLD!' at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts 'SILVER!' at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts 'WEEEEEEE!'

**Jeff Vader** · May 9th, 2015, 04:15 PM

I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar. He said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?"

I said, "It's Liam, he's the lead singer."

**captpike** · May 10th, 2015, 05:30 AM

A man walks into a bar and sits down The bartender asks what will you have? The man says a Rosie O'Donnell. The bartender asks what is in a Rosie O'Donnell? The man says you start with two lickers.

Did you here that Rosie O'Donnell died! They found her face down in Ricki Lake

**gedly** · May 10th, 2015, 07:23 AM

My wife has walked out on me, my marriage is over and I'm left to pick up the pieces. There's not one piece of intact crockery left in the house.

**SanteeFats** · May 10th, 2015, 02:47 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?'

'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Irishman was asked.

'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

**captpike** · May 10th, 2015, 04:08 PM

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.

May 9th, 2015, 01:13 PM	#9574
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	David Cameron has vowed to create a million new jobs during his new term as Prime Minister. Too right. Those food banks won't run themselves, will they? __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

May 9th, 2015, 04:15 PM	#9576
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar. He said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?" I said, "It's Liam, he's the lead singer." __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

May 7th, 2015, 08:34 PM	#9571
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,838 Thanks: 281,867 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!" The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman." He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... " The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?" The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

May 7th, 2015, 10:12 PM	#9572
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,886 Thanked 69,318 Times in 3,171 Posts	A truck containing Fanta orange juice was attacked and vandalised today. Reports say it was done by a group of people who came from another truck and then drove off. It's got Tango written all over it.

May 8th, 2015, 02:28 PM	#9573
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,838 Thanks: 281,867 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.' The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.' The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

May 9th, 2015, 02:15 PM	#9575
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,838 Thanks: 281,867 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them. 'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.' 'I'm game for this,' says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting 'GOLD!' at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins. William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts 'SILVER!' at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry. Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts 'WEEEEEEE!'

May 10th, 2015, 05:30 AM	#9577
captpike Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: TALOS IV or South Carolina Posts: 1,175 Thanks: 80,344 Thanked 47,308 Times in 1,164 Posts	A man walks into a bar and sits down The bartender asks what will you have? The man says a Rosie O'Donnell. The bartender asks what is in a Rosie O'Donnell? The man says you start with two lickers. Did you here that Rosie O'Donnell died! They found her face down in Ricki Lake

May 10th, 2015, 07:23 AM	#9578
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,886 Thanked 69,318 Times in 3,171 Posts	My wife has walked out on me, my marriage is over and I'm left to pick up the pieces. There's not one piece of intact crockery left in the house.

May 10th, 2015, 02:47 PM	#9579
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,838 Thanks: 281,867 Thanked 814,084 Times in 60,882 Posts	An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?' 'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.' An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits. 'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman. 'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman. How about you?' the Irishman was asked. 'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

May 10th, 2015, 04:08 PM	#9580
captpike Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: TALOS IV or South Carolina Posts: 1,175 Thanks: 80,344 Thanked 47,308 Times in 1,164 Posts	Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.