Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 161

**Arturo2nd** · February 18th, 2019, 07:01 PM

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Don Trump's daughter is a ho'
If you pay her, she will blow.
My brother told me
She will take it in the ass.

**seldomseen** · February 18th, 2019, 07:50 PM

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

**chip** · February 19th, 2019, 11:49 PM

Derek, in a strange town on business, after a late dinner, and having the rest of the evening to himself, finds himself wandering the neighborhood around his motel.

He happens upon a nondescript bar. Only the neon beer company sign blazing away in the small window out front, and the sign above the door reading "Charlie's Place" gives any indication as to what is on the other side of the door.

Derek walks in and sits down at the bar, orders a shot and a beer and takes in his surroundings. Well into his second shot and a beer he scans the room. He notices a gallon pickle jar stuffed almost to the top with 20 dollar bills sitting behind the bar.

He stares at the jar and wonders what its all about.

A couple more rounds and shots later he finally asks the bartender:
"Just what exactly is that jar of money for?"

The bartender replies: "Oh that's the jar where we keep the money for the 'bar challenge' game."

Derek nods his head at the bartender, and wonders silently to himself what the 'bar challenge' could
possibly be.

Another round later, and Derek has had time to think about the large jar of money and the challenge.

His curiosity, getting the better of him, he finally works up the nerve asks the bartender:
"OK I give. What 'is' the challenge?"

The bartender opines: "The challenge costs 20 dollars to try. Someone who wants to try the challenge puts a twenty on the bar, and tells me they wanna give it a go. To win the challenge the person has to complete three tasks. They complete all three, the jar of money is theirs. They fail to complete all three, and the 20 dollar bill goes in the jar."

"First, you have to knock out Chief. Chief is our bouncer, he's big, tough and has been the bouncer here for years. I can count on one hand how many times, in twenty years or better, he's been on the losing end of a brawl."

Derek looks around the bar for Chief. He spots a a giant of a man that he hadn't seen when he was walking into the bar.

Chief stands seven and a half feet tall and is as wide as refrigerator. He's so big that if he was standing still, you'd wonder why a wall was wearing bluejeans.

Turning back towards the bartender Derek asks: "And second?"

The bartender replies: "We got a dog out back in the alley named Zeus. He's a pit bull, rottweiler mix. He's mean and nasty so we keep him out back most of the time. Zeus needs a tooth pulled. He's so nasty the veterinarian refuses to do it."

"Challenge two is to head out into the alley, pull Zeus's tooth and get back into the bar in one piece."

Derek nods and asks: "And for the last challenge?"

The bartender shaking his head says to Derek: "Why are you even asking? No one can get past the first two challenges. Heck most people can't make it past Chief. And if they do they don't make it past Zeus and we have to rescue them. That's why the jar is full. But since you asked...."

"The third challenge is Rhonda. Rhonda is an old biker mamma who lives upstairs above the bar. Her old man used to put her in gangbangs. 10 guys at a time was no problem for her. 20 at a time wasn't uncommon either. Well after so many trysts like that...let's just say it takes quite a bit for Rhonda to get off. But when she does pop-off she's loud enough for the whole bar to hear."

"The third challenge is that you have to head upstairs and make Rhonda cum. But not one single person has ever gotten that far."

Derek orders another round and sits in silence contemplating the difficulty of the challenge.
Another round later, he's having a silent conversation with himself: "I like a challenge, And I'm not a sissy. I'll give it a shot!"

Derek, now drunk, and having convinced himself to give the challenge a try, pulls out his wallet. He takes out a twenty dollar bill, slaps it on the bar and says loud enough for the bartender, who is as the other end of the bar, to hear: "I'm in!" "Gimme a double shot of vodka!"

What had been a private conversation between Derek and the bartender, now has the attention of all the regulars in the bar. They all watch with looks of anticipation on their faces with the the knowing reassurance of how it will turn out. They are used to seeing people try and fail.

Still, they cheer Derek on, another sucker and a another twenty for the jar.

The bartender dips both hands below the bar. They return a second later, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a large shot-glass in the other. He pours the double shot, then places a pair of pliers retrieved from below the bar next to Derek's half empty beer mug.

Derek, double shot of vodka in hand, walks over to Chief and sizes him up.
Chief, no stranger to the challenge, taunts Derek: "Go ahead give it your best shot. You ain't gonna get past me."

Derek, looking up at Chief raises the shot-glass and toasts Chief: Cheers!. Chief smiles.

Instead of slamming the shot, Derek throws the vodka in Chief's face, stinging his eyes.

Derek, moving fast, kicks Chief in the nuts, hard. Chief, eyes burning & balls smashed, doubles over, disoriented from the pain.

Derek kicks Chief in the kneecap with all of his might. Chief drops to the ground.

Seizing his opportunity, Derek grabs a cue stick off a nearby pool table and whacks Chief in the back of the head with the thick end.

The cue stick hits with a loud 'BANG' like a gun had gone off, the cue stick breaking.
Chief immediately drops flat to the ground. He's out cold.

Derek throws the busted cue stick back on the pool table and struts back to the bar.
He slams down the rest of his beer without missing a step, or noticing the pliers, and continues towards the alley door of the bar. The bar patrons who had only moments earlier been hooting, hollering and taunting Derek now sit in stunned silence. Watching as Derek single-mindedly and with purpose heads for task number two.

Derek heads out the door into the dark alley where Zeus awaits.
The patrons now can hear Zeus barking, growling and snarling at Derek through the thick alley door.
Zeus' barking and growling gets louder and more violent. The bartender is sure he will have to go and rescue Derek.

Seconds later Zeus is yelping and howling instead of snarling. The bar patrons and bartender still sitting in stunned silence. As soon as the howling stops the alley door flies open.

There stands Derek. He is bloody and scratched from head to toe. Bite marks pepper his arms and legs.
His clothes are torn, bloodied. A mixture of his blood and the dogs. A smile of accomplishment is on his face.
He staggers back into the bar which is now filled with the murmurs of the bar regulars, muttering and exclaiming in disbelief at what they had just heard: The sounds of this crazy man yanking a tooth from Zeus, with his bare hands!

The bartender hurriedly pours another beer for the drunken, bloodied but unbroken contestant.

The bartender slams the mug down on the bar.

Before the bartender has a chance to fully let go of the mug, Derek snatches it off the bar and chugs it all down. Using the torn and bloodied sleeve of his shirt he wipes away the beer foam from his mouth.

Derek, sensing victory is within his grasp, notices the pair of pliers resting on the bar and and asks the bartender a question in a tone loud enough for the entire bar to hear:

"Now where is that biker mamma that needs a tooth pulled!"

--

MaxJoker · February 20th, 2019, 08:39 AM

**chip** · February 20th, 2019, 09:49 AM

The essay was my first time in this thread, ever, in the 11 years since joining the forum.

....Little tough to hit the thanks button in any significant amount, when I ain't been here in this particular spot before.

It's all good. I know you are just f'n around a little bit.

Here's a shorter joke for you:

Husband and wife are in bed one night. Both had eaten spicy hot curry for dinner earlier that night. Husband cuts a big fart and grosses out the wife. Hubby does it again. Wife is even more disgusted. Hubby says, c'mon honey I know you gotta fart. You ate the same as me, as long as we are gonna fart let's make a game of it.

The wife never being one to turn down a challenge, grunts and squeezes and lets one rip. This goes back and forth until the husband really has to strain to get them out. He's running out of gas literally. He grunts and pushes as hard as he can and lets out a thunderous sound: sh*tting his side of the bed in the process.

Wife says what was that. The husband replies: halftime whistle, time to switch sides of the bed.

-Chip.

--

MaxJoker · February 20th, 2019, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chip

The essay was my first time in this thread, ever, in the 11 years since joining the forum.

....Little tough to hit the thanks button in any significant amount, when I ain't been here in this particular spot before.

It's all good. I know you are just f'n around a little bit.

Eeeeek

In retrospect the swear word didn't add anything to my title gag and I`d returned to remove it.
So colour me cheery.
As you`re right , just joking around Chip

Particularly like doing so about thanks (Indeed am sick and need help). So actually felt grateful you gave me the opportunity.
Although and in all seriousness (It could happen

) I love you (Just not in the biblical sense

) now . For your own gosh darn (Sorry for swearing

) sense of humour. Plus realising I was really kidding , and taking it so superbly spot on

Estreeter · February 20th, 2019, 10:52 AM

Look away if your stomach ain't up to it

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaxJoker

Uh huh and once I love someone it`s for life ... Unless it`s an ex girl friend of course

Max ain't kidding, he sent me an engagement ring thinking I was a female

MaxJoker · February 20th, 2019, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estreeter

he sent me an engagement ring

Not just one

Included spares

Which will eventually be your`s to keep ,

After three more remaining easy payments

Estreeter · February 20th, 2019, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaxJoker

After three more remaining easy payments

I ate em'

Here, you can have these in return

Mmm, Big Party Bag also

**chip** · February 21st, 2019, 09:18 AM

A favorite of mine from Redd Foxx.

Q: What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom?

A: A pick-pocket snatches watches. A peeping-tom watches snatches.

--

February 18th, 2019, 07:50 PM	#1602
seldomseen Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 38,203 Thanks: 127,400 Thanked 711,986 Times in 38,112 Posts	What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------- Some hae meat, and canna eat.

February 19th, 2019, 11:49 PM	#1603
chip Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Milwaukee Posts: 1,201 Thanks: 33,661 Thanked 17,441 Times in 1,136 Posts	Derek & the Challenge. Derek, in a strange town on business, after a late dinner, and having the rest of the evening to himself, finds himself wandering the neighborhood around his motel. He happens upon a nondescript bar. Only the neon beer company sign blazing away in the small window out front, and the sign above the door reading "Charlie's Place" gives any indication as to what is on the other side of the door. Derek walks in and sits down at the bar, orders a shot and a beer and takes in his surroundings. Well into his second shot and a beer he scans the room. He notices a gallon pickle jar stuffed almost to the top with 20 dollar bills sitting behind the bar. He stares at the jar and wonders what its all about. A couple more rounds and shots later he finally asks the bartender: "Just what exactly is that jar of money for?" The bartender replies: "Oh that's the jar where we keep the money for the 'bar challenge' game." Derek nods his head at the bartender, and wonders silently to himself what the 'bar challenge' could possibly be. Another round later, and Derek has had time to think about the large jar of money and the challenge. His curiosity, getting the better of him, he finally works up the nerve asks the bartender: "OK I give. What 'is' the challenge?" The bartender opines: "The challenge costs 20 dollars to try. Someone who wants to try the challenge puts a twenty on the bar, and tells me they wanna give it a go. To win the challenge the person has to complete three tasks. They complete all three, the jar of money is theirs. They fail to complete all three, and the 20 dollar bill goes in the jar." "First, you have to knock out Chief. Chief is our bouncer, he's big, tough and has been the bouncer here for years. I can count on one hand how many times, in twenty years or better, he's been on the losing end of a brawl." Derek looks around the bar for Chief. He spots a a giant of a man that he hadn't seen when he was walking into the bar. Chief stands seven and a half feet tall and is as wide as refrigerator. He's so big that if he was standing still, you'd wonder why a wall was wearing bluejeans. Turning back towards the bartender Derek asks: "And second?" The bartender replies: "We got a dog out back in the alley named Zeus. He's a pit bull, rottweiler mix. He's mean and nasty so we keep him out back most of the time. Zeus needs a tooth pulled. He's so nasty the veterinarian refuses to do it." "Challenge two is to head out into the alley, pull Zeus's tooth and get back into the bar in one piece." Derek nods and asks: "And for the last challenge?" The bartender shaking his head says to Derek: "Why are you even asking? No one can get past the first two challenges. Heck most people can't make it past Chief. And if they do they don't make it past Zeus and we have to rescue them. That's why the jar is full. But since you asked...." "The third challenge is Rhonda. Rhonda is an old biker mamma who lives upstairs above the bar. Her old man used to put her in gangbangs. 10 guys at a time was no problem for her. 20 at a time wasn't uncommon either. Well after so many trysts like that...let's just say it takes quite a bit for Rhonda to get off. But when she does pop-off she's loud enough for the whole bar to hear." "The third challenge is that you have to head upstairs and make Rhonda cum. But not one single person has ever gotten that far." Derek orders another round and sits in silence contemplating the difficulty of the challenge. Another round later, he's having a silent conversation with himself: "I like a challenge, And I'm not a sissy. I'll give it a shot!" Derek, now drunk, and having convinced himself to give the challenge a try, pulls out his wallet. He takes out a twenty dollar bill, slaps it on the bar and says loud enough for the bartender, who is as the other end of the bar, to hear: "I'm in!" "Gimme a double shot of vodka!" What had been a private conversation between Derek and the bartender, now has the attention of all the regulars in the bar. They all watch with looks of anticipation on their faces with the the knowing reassurance of how it will turn out. They are used to seeing people try and fail. Still, they cheer Derek on, another sucker and a another twenty for the jar. The bartender dips both hands below the bar. They return a second later, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a large shot-glass in the other. He pours the double shot, then places a pair of pliers retrieved from below the bar next to Derek's half empty beer mug. Derek, double shot of vodka in hand, walks over to Chief and sizes him up. Chief, no stranger to the challenge, taunts Derek: "Go ahead give it your best shot. You ain't gonna get past me." Derek, looking up at Chief raises the shot-glass and toasts Chief: Cheers!. Chief smiles. Instead of slamming the shot, Derek throws the vodka in Chief's face, stinging his eyes. Derek, moving fast, kicks Chief in the nuts, hard. Chief, eyes burning & balls smashed, doubles over, disoriented from the pain. Derek kicks Chief in the kneecap with all of his might. Chief drops to the ground. Seizing his opportunity, Derek grabs a cue stick off a nearby pool table and whacks Chief in the back of the head with the thick end. The cue stick hits with a loud 'BANG' like a gun had gone off, the cue stick breaking. Chief immediately drops flat to the ground. He's out cold. Derek throws the busted cue stick back on the pool table and struts back to the bar. He slams down the rest of his beer without missing a step, or noticing the pliers, and continues towards the alley door of the bar. The bar patrons who had only moments earlier been hooting, hollering and taunting Derek now sit in stunned silence. Watching as Derek single-mindedly and with purpose heads for task number two. Derek heads out the door into the dark alley where Zeus awaits. The patrons now can hear Zeus barking, growling and snarling at Derek through the thick alley door. Zeus' barking and growling gets louder and more violent. The bartender is sure he will have to go and rescue Derek. Seconds later Zeus is yelping and howling instead of snarling. The bar patrons and bartender still sitting in stunned silence. As soon as the howling stops the alley door flies open. There stands Derek. He is bloody and scratched from head to toe. Bite marks pepper his arms and legs. His clothes are torn, bloodied. A mixture of his blood and the dogs. A smile of accomplishment is on his face. He staggers back into the bar which is now filled with the murmurs of the bar regulars, muttering and exclaiming in disbelief at what they had just heard: The sounds of this crazy man yanking a tooth from Zeus, with his bare hands! The bartender hurriedly pours another beer for the drunken, bloodied but unbroken contestant. The bartender slams the mug down on the bar. Before the bartender has a chance to fully let go of the mug, Derek snatches it off the bar and chugs it all down. Using the torn and bloodied sleeve of his shirt he wipes away the beer foam from his mouth. Derek, sensing victory is within his grasp, notices the pair of pliers resting on the bar and and asks the bartender a question in a tone loud enough for the entire bar to hear: "Now where is that biker mamma that needs a tooth pulled!" -- __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Last edited by chip; February 20th, 2019 at 02:37 AM..

February 20th, 2019, 08:39 AM	#1604
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,580 Times in 69,067 Posts	^^^ Hands up who actually read that essay ^^^ Oh and cheers for it Chip . Thanks for no thanks on any posts on here too .. Clean my Jesus Sandals then shit in them , it`d upset me less __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

February 20th, 2019, 09:49 AM	#1605
chip Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Milwaukee Posts: 1,201 Thanks: 33,661 Thanked 17,441 Times in 1,136 Posts	The essay was my first time in this thread, ever, in the 11 years since joining the forum. ....Little tough to hit the thanks button in any significant amount, when I ain't been here in this particular spot before. It's all good. I know you are just f'n around a little bit. Here's a shorter joke for you: Husband and wife are in bed one night. Both had eaten spicy hot curry for dinner earlier that night. Husband cuts a big fart and grosses out the wife. Hubby does it again. Wife is even more disgusted. Hubby says, c'mon honey I know you gotta fart. You ate the same as me, as long as we are gonna fart let's make a game of it. The wife never being one to turn down a challenge, grunts and squeezes and lets one rip. This goes back and forth until the husband really has to strain to get them out. He's running out of gas literally. He grunts and pushes as hard as he can and lets out a thunderous sound: shtting his side of the bed in the process. Wife says what was that. The husband replies: halftime whistle, time to switch sides of the bed. -Chip. -- __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.* To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

February 21st, 2019, 09:18 AM	#1610
chip Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Milwaukee Posts: 1,201 Thanks: 33,661 Thanked 17,441 Times in 1,136 Posts	A favorite of mine from Redd Foxx. Q: What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom? A: A pick-pocket snatches watches. A peeping-tom watches snatches. -- __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

February 18th, 2019, 07:01 PM	#1601
Arturo2nd Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Oakland, California, United States. I have a beautful view of the BART tracks and I-980 Posts: 8,955 Thanks: 103,061 Thanked 151,470 Times in 8,946 Posts	Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Don Trump's daughter is a ho' If you pay her, she will blow. My brother told me She will take it in the ass.

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