Dirty Songs...what's the best you know?

[georger]

Dirty Songs...what's the best you know?

[haroldeye]

You have obviously not attended an all Boys English School, then gone on to a decent Rugger club and a short service commission in a decent regiment otherwise you would be aware of the glories of such songs as

Eskimo Nell
The Ball of Kerrymuir
The Good Ship Venus
The Mayor of Bayswater

and many more.

My own favourite is Dinah a lady who uses axle grease because her cunt's so hard.

Some girls work in factories,
Some girls work in stores,
But my girl works in a whorehouse,
With forty other whores.

I took her to the pictures,
We sat down in the stalls,
And every time the lights went out,
She grabbed me by the balls.

She and I went fishing,
In a dainty punt,
And every time I hooked a fish,
She stuffed it up her cunt.

I wish I was a silver ring,
Upon my Dinah's hand,
And everytime she scratched her cunt,
I'd see the promised land.

Dinah had a puppy,
Dinah had a duck,
She put them in the bathtub,
To see if they would fuck.

A rich girl has a bra,
A poor girl uses string,
but Dinah uses neither,
She lets the bastards swing.

A rich girl has a ring of gold,
A poor girl one of brass,
The only ring that Dinah has,
Is the one around her ass.

A rich girl uses Vaseline,
A poor girl uses lard,
Dinah uses axle-grease,
Because her cunt's so hard.

Dinah had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
She couldn't call it Dinah 'cos,
The bastard had a cock.

A rich girl uses Kotex,
A poor girl a sheet,
Dinah uses nothing at all,
It dribbles in the street.

Dinah had a boyfriend,
His name was Tommy Tucker,
He took her to the bushes,
To see if he could fuck her.

Dinah met a fisherman,
Fishing for some bass,
Instead of catching fish that day,
He got a piece of ass.

Dinah met a breakaway,
She liked the way he rucked,
The breakaway liked Dinah,
He liked the way she fucked.

Dinah met a scrum half,
Sat down in his lap,
Dinah got the scrum half,
The scrum half got the clap.

Dinah had two boyfriends,
Both named Mitch,
One was a son of a baker,
The other was a son-of-a-bitch.

Dinah met a rugby team,
She liked the way they played,
The team liked Dinah,
They liked the way she laid.

A rich girl drives a limousine,
A poor girl drives a truck,
But the only ride that Dinah has,
Is when she has a Fuck.

A rich girl uses tampons,
A poor girl uses rags,
Dinah uses nothing at all,
Or shoves up burlap bags.

I wish I was a chamber pot,
Under Dinah's bed,
And every time she took a piss,

[alex31]

The Mission UK "Love me to death"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8v-4xRIKT8

Love Me To Death
Let me come inside your ivory tower
Let me come inside your hallowed walls
God, it's heaven in here
Fix me with your hand of praise
Fix me with your touch of precious thrills
Your fingers dance across my skin
Reaching out for the pride of man

Hand in hand, flesh in flesh
We're walking through the fire of love
Breath by breath, and flame by flame
We burn 'til the sun rises and shines hot
Love come gushing, love runs free
My love comes all over you
My love comes for you

Love me to death, my flower
Run bare fur through my hair
Naked on my lips
Love me to death, my precious
Smother me in kisses
Drown me with your waves of falling sweetness

Hold me dear, bury me deep
Bless me with your word of savage honour
We love more by fate than design
So give me your hand and I'll gladly give you my life
A flower, that sways in the breeze
You must be stronger than the winds that blow you away
Blow you away

Love me to death, my precious
Run bare fur through my hair
Dance wild on my lips
Love me to death, my flower
Lay me down on your bed of petals
Cover me with your honey, my blossom

Love me to death
Love me to death
Love me to death, my flower
Love me to death, my treasure
Run bare fur through my hair
Dance wild on my lips
Love me to death, my precious
Love me to death, my love
Tarnish, taint and punish me softly
Softly love me to death
Love me to death

[rodak]

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme.

Gonna tell ya a little story about a man named Jed.
The poor mother fucker wore a rubber on his head.
Then one day while a fuckin' Emmy-Lou.
Out from his dick came a bubblin' crude.

Sperm that is.
White gold.
Mixed with pee.

Three months later Jed gotta surprise.
When Emmy-Lou's belly started to rise.
Six months later what did Jed see?
When out from her pussy came Jethro-Bodine!

[spazarino]

"Open the door, you fuckin' whore, said Barnacle Bill the sailor..."

Don't really remember most of it...it was 30 years ago when I was in the USAF. Best thing I remember, tho, was going on a trip and the officer escorting us (small enlisted performance group) had heard about the song and wanted to hear it.

The problem was...it was a female 1st Lt.

We said "Uhhhhh...Ma'am? It's more than a little inappropriate."

She almost ordered us to sing it...and then laughed her ass off!

[AmateurEmale]

Faster Pussycat has a few good ones, including "Cathouse", which is about prostitution.

The popular glam metal band Warrant did a song I WON'T EVER play around my parents, because they would flip out: "She's my cherry pie!"

[DebbieKong]

The Rodeo Song (1980)

Garry Lee and Showdown (From Medicine Hat, Alberta)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqsG45QGZK8

Well it's forty below
And I don't give a fuck
Got a heater in my truck
And I'm off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know....
You piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves
Well here comes Johnny
With his pecker in his hand
He's a one-ball man
And he's off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know....
You piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves
(INSTRUMENTAL)
Well it's forty below
And I ain't got a truck
And I don't give a fuck
'Cause I'm off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know....
You piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves
Well here comes Johnny
With his pecker in his hand
He's a one-ball man
And he's off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know....
You piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves
---------------------------------------------------------------
From the album "Showdown - Welcome to the Rodeo"
Not so dirty but definitely adult content back in 1980.
Has been covered by a number of other country artists.

[Aubrey]

Momus - Coming in a Girl's Mouth:

What is the cultural meaning of coming in a girl's mouth?
Do I wish to feed her or fill her mouth with filth?
Is it just to test whether she accepts my messiest mess
Or simply paint a funny milk moustache across her face?

Or is there in this thrilling ritual something messianic
Some sort of baptism by sperm?
Like my cock is John the Baptist saying
"One day someone greater than me shall come"
Or some Moses who leads an entire nation across her tongue
To liberation

That must be it ..... why else fill a girl's mouth saltily full
With a fluid the consistency of honey, tapioca and motor oil?


He has a lot more as well - including "The Guitar Lesson" (about an inconclusive encounter between a young man and a 12 year old girl: disturbing because of its dreamy eroticism); "A Dull Documentary" (having sex with a babysitter when the child she is sitting wanders in, with memories of the same thing happening with his own babysitter); "Everything you didn't want to know about my Penis"; "Amongst Woman Only" (a fantasy about a woman masturbating); "The Cabriolet" (a romantic version of JG Ballard's Crash) - as well as the one in my sig.

I saw a concert of his once when someone called out "Do a spunk song!" and he did, having at least two to choose from (I think there are more but I can't think of any at the moment).

This is only a small selection - he has dozens: witty, engrossing, thought-provoking, beautiful - I like dirty songs as much as the next pervert, but Momus is something more.

[Retrovintro]

Frank Zappa
"Titties & Beer"

It was the blackest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shinin'
'Cause the sky's too tight
I heard the scarey wind
I seen some ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin'
'Long the aide of me

I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy
Got a big titty girly by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . . .
'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery

I noticed even the crickets
Was actin' weird up here
So I figured I might
Just drink a little beer
I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . "
But there was no reply
'Cause she was gone . . .

"Where's those titties I like so well,
'n' my godam beer!"
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise
Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil , . .
He's about this big , . .

He had a red suit on
An' a widow's peak
An' then a pointed tail
'N like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him awright,
I swear I knowed it was
He had some human flesh
Stuck underneath his claws
You know, it looked to me
Like it was titty skin
I said, "You sonofabifch!"
'Cause I was mad at him.
Well he just got out the floss
'N started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter.
Said: BANG BANG BANG

The sucker just laughed 'n said, "Put it away . . .
You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say?"
YOU ATE MY CHRISSY? "Yeah! titties 'n all!"
WHAT ABOUT THE BEER THEN? "Were the cans this tall?"
EVEN HER BOOTS? "Would I lie to you?"
SHIT, YOU MUSTA BEEN HUNGRY! "Yes, this is true'.
'WELL DON'T THEY PAY Y'ALL GOOD FOR THE
STUFF THAT YOU DO?
"I can't complain when the checks come through . . ''
WELL I WANT MY CHRISSY, 'N I WANT MY BEER
SO YOU JUST BARF IT BACK UP NOW, DEVIL,
DO YOU HEAR!
"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I am fhe Devil,
Do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here , . ''
YER GODDAM RIGHT, YOU SON-OF-A-WHORE,
THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY REASON
I LEARNED WRITIN' FOR . . .
GIMME THAT PAPER ... BET YER ASS
I'LL SIGN . . . 'CAUSE I NEED A BEER, 'N IT'S TITTY-
SQUEEZIN' TIME!

"You can't fool me, man . . . you ain't that bad . . .
I mean you shoulda seen some of fhe souls I had . . .
Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew too . . .
'n both of fhose suckers was worse 'n you . .
"WELL, LET'S MAKE A DEAL IF YOU THINK THAT'S TRUE
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE DEVIL SO ... WHATCHA GONNA DO?

[improvised dialog]

"No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think ...
I mean ... hold on a minute, boy . . . that's
Magic Ink!"

And then the Devil puked
'N out jumped m'girl
They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN'
All around the world, she said:
"I GOT ME THREE BEERS 'N A FIST FULLA DOWNS,
AN' I'M GONNA GET WRECKED, SO FUCK YOU CLOWNS!"

And then she gave us the finger,
It was rigid 'n stiff,
That's when the Devil, he farted
An' she went right over the cliff
The Devil was mad took off to my pad
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
[etc. repeat]

[Retrovintro]

Frank Zappa's classic:
"Dinah-Moe Humm"

[backing vocals Tina Turner & The Ikettes]

I couldn't say where she's coming' from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can't make me cum
(Y'jes can't do it)

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn't hear no Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where's this Dinah-Moe
Comin' from
I done spent three hours
An' I ain't got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

Got a spot that gets me hot, ow!
An' you ain't been to it
(No no no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot, ow!
An' you ain't been to it
(No no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
(No no no no no!)
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
'Cause I can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
An' I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it
'Cause I never get into it
Unless I get out of it
An' I gotta be out of it
To get myself into it

(She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said . . . )

Just get me wasted
An' you're half-way there
'Cause if my mind's tore up,
Then my body don't care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An' said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

I checked out her sister
Who was holdin' the bet
An' wondered what kind of trip
The young lady was on

The forty dollar bill didn't matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an' laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little [?] if I wasn't done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn't give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An' asked if she had any cooties on there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin'
BUNS UP!
I was wheelin' an dealin'
WHEELIN' AN' DEALIN' AN' OOOOH!
She surrender to the feelin'
SHE SWEETLY SURRENDERED
An' she started in to squealin'

Dinah-Moe watched from the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin' an' her face gone red
Some drool rollin' down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in
She quivered 'n quaked
An' clutched at herself
While her sister made a joke
About her mental health
'Till Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline . . .

Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
M-M-M . . . it's real angora
Would y'all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An' how 'bout you, Fauna?
Y'wanna?

MMM . . . sound like you're chokin' on somethin'

Did you say you want some more?
Well, here's some more . . .

(Oh, baby . . . )

Oh, sure . . . look,
D'you think I could interest you
In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?

MMM . . . tweezers!
Wait a minute, lemme sterilize 'em . . .
Gimme your lighter . . .

I couldn't say where she's coming' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can't make me cum
(Y'jes can't do it)

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
An' you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Some Dinah-Moe
An' a little Dinah-Moe
An' some Dinah-Moe
An' some Dinah-Moe
An' some Dinah-Moe
An' a little Dinah-Moe
An' some Dinah-Moe
An' some Dinah-Moe
An' some Dinah-Moe
An' a Dinah-Moe again
An' Dinah-Moe
An' Dora too, lil' Dinah 'n Dora
An' Dinah-Moe
Kiss my aura, Dinah