Post your corny jokes - Page 219

**Jeff Vader** · September 18th, 2011, 12:05 PM

A bloke walks into a pharmacy and says " Can i have some viagra please ? " Cashier says " I need some medical proof that you need it !! " ,
Bloke says " Will a photo of my wife do ? "

hubsy · September 18th, 2011, 02:42 PM

The Attorney

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"No way, how can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD! " screamed the lawyer,

"My Rolex!"

**TCO95** · September 18th, 2011, 03:36 PM

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at
all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids
out."

**Jeff Vader** · September 18th, 2011, 04:46 PM

just poured lilt into my fish tank

looks totally tropical now .....

**TCO95** · September 18th, 2011, 05:11 PM

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

**Jeff Vader** · September 18th, 2011, 05:44 PM

I met a bloke in Yorkshire the other day. I knew he was dyslexic as soon as I saw him.

He had a cat flap on his head.

**sweatyhat** · September 19th, 2011, 04:20 PM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said:

"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"

**HugoHackenbush** · September 19th, 2011, 06:16 PM

Top Ten rejected Sarah Palin campaign slogans:

10) Palin: More like Thomas Jefferson than you ever thought possible
9) Black Basketball players? You betcha!
8) Palin: Doing well with African-American polls
7) Drill me baby, drill!
6) Palin: As President she’ll be on the job like white on Rice
5) I smoked him, but I didn’t inhale
4) Palin: She’ll take your best shot with a smile
3) Forescore and several men ago…
2) Palin: Coming from behind is what she does best
1) I am not a slut

Hot Solar · September 19th, 2011, 07:48 PM

A businessman picks up a big beautiful XL size prostitute.
He tells her his femdom fantasy is to have a woman like her sit on his face.
While she is doing this for him, she hears him mumbling,
“ Mmm the price of oil shares are going up”, ”oh and gold seems a good investment too”
Curious she asks him “ is talking business part of the fantasy too then”?
No he replies “ it’s just you’ve got a piece of the Financial Times still stuck up your arse”

**TCO95** · September 19th, 2011, 08:04 PM

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

September 19th, 2011, 04:20 PM	#2187
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,913 Times in 10,563 Posts	An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai" __________________

September 19th, 2011, 06:16 PM	#2188
HugoHackenbush Veteran Marxist Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Wherever it's warm Posts: 14,120 Thanks: 205,952 Thanked 336,469 Times in 14,173 Posts	Top Ten rejected Sarah Palin campaign slogans: 10) Palin: More like Thomas Jefferson than you ever thought possible 9) Black Basketball players? You betcha! 8) Palin: Doing well with African-American polls 7) Drill me baby, drill! 6) Palin: As President she’ll be on the job like white on Rice 5) I smoked him, but I didn’t inhale 4) Palin: She’ll take your best shot with a smile 3) Forescore and several men ago… 2) Palin: Coming from behind is what she does best 1) I am not a slut __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Just give me your body - I'll give you my brain - it's a fair exchange

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September 18th, 2011, 12:05 PM	#2181
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	A bloke walks into a pharmacy and says " Can i have some viagra please ? " Cashier says " I need some medical proof that you need it !! " , Bloke says " Will a photo of my wife do ? "

September 18th, 2011, 02:42 PM	#2182
hubsy Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 108 Thanks: 2,416 Thanked 1,892 Times in 107 Posts	The Attorney A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "No way, how can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "OH, MY GOD! " screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

September 18th, 2011, 03:36 PM	#2183
TCO95 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: This member is not allowed in your country. Posts: 5,176 Thanks: 47,615 Thanked 64,804 Times in 5,130 Posts	A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?" "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "Do you use it for anything else?" "Like what?" "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

September 18th, 2011, 04:46 PM	#2184
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	just poured lilt into my fish tank looks totally tropical now .....

September 18th, 2011, 05:11 PM	#2185
TCO95 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: This member is not allowed in your country. Posts: 5,176 Thanks: 47,615 Thanked 64,804 Times in 5,130 Posts	A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

September 18th, 2011, 05:44 PM	#2186
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,019 Times in 6,511 Posts	I met a bloke in Yorkshire the other day. I knew he was dyslexic as soon as I saw him. He had a cat flap on his head.

September 19th, 2011, 07:48 PM	#2189
Hot Solar Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 99 Thanks: 241 Thanked 1,422 Times in 97 Posts	A businessman picks up a big beautiful XL size prostitute. He tells her his femdom fantasy is to have a woman like her sit on his face. While she is doing this for him, she hears him mumbling, “ Mmm the price of oil shares are going up”, ”oh and gold seems a good investment too” Curious she asks him “ is talking business part of the fantasy too then”? No he replies “ it’s just you’ve got a piece of the Financial Times still stuck up your arse”

September 19th, 2011, 08:04 PM	#2190
TCO95 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: This member is not allowed in your country. Posts: 5,176 Thanks: 47,615 Thanked 64,804 Times in 5,130 Posts	In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"