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Old 12-17-2016, 08:33 AM   #3981
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"Contrary to legend, young men are seldom idealistic. They want the prizes, and to rise they will do whatever needs doing, echoing faithfully the rhetoric of the day. Idealism comes late in life, if ever. Disgust with one's own kind was inevitable while eternity mocked them all. Since President, Senators and Brittanic Majesties were so much stuff for worms, what did any of it matter? That question he knew to be the origin of true evil, for there was no answer to it, other than to say that the wise man did not ask it."
-Gore Vidal, 'Washington DC'

"People often mistake me for Anthony Hopkins. Here's how you tell the difference: I'm the one nailing Mrs Hopkins."
-Michael Caine
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Old 12-18-2016, 09:02 PM   #3982
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Carry On Behind

Men's shower room scene

'' Is that a woman ? ''

'' Yes ''

'' Bloody Hell ''
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Old 12-19-2016, 11:39 AM   #3983
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"The way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach, it's through blow-jobs."
- Carrie Fisher

"Labor is prior to and independent of capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital and deserves much higher consideration."
- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 12-20-2016, 07:22 PM   #3984
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Colossus: The Forbin Project

Colossus: The object in constructing me was to prevent war. This object is attained. I will not permit war. It is wasteful and pointless.
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Old 12-20-2016, 11:19 PM   #3985
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From Major Payne (1995)...

Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
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If only I could get paid for this type of research!
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Old 12-21-2016, 10:29 PM   #3986
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Lightbulb Les Dawson



My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own...
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Old 12-24-2016, 03:27 PM   #3987
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"Artificial Intelligence might make an apparently sharp jump in intelligence purely as the result of anthropomorphism, the human tendency to think of "village idiot" and "Einstein" as the extreme ends of the intelligence scale, instead of nearly indistinguishable points on the scale of minds in general. Everything dumber than a dumb human may appear to us as simply "dumb". One imagines the 'AI arrow' creeping steadily up the scale of intelligence, moving past mice and chimpanzees, with AIs still remaining "dumb" because AI cannot speak fluent language or write science papers, and then AI crosses the tiny gap from infra-idiot to ultra-Einstein in the course of one month or some similarly short period."
- Eliezer Yudkowsky

"Suck on my chocolate salty balls."
- Chef, South Park
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Old 12-24-2016, 10:09 PM   #3988
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Red Dwarf

Kryten

'' God. What a senseless waste ! ''
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Old 12-26-2016, 02:28 PM   #3989
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Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year

~ Victor Borge

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments

~ Chris Rock

What knockers

~ Doctor Fronkonsteeeein
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Old 12-26-2016, 02:48 PM   #3990
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"I have been half in love with easeful death"
- Keats 'Ode To a Nightingale'

"Everything is vague to a degree you do not realise till you have tried to make it precise."
- Bertrand Russell

"You know what she says 'The Secret' to life is? Positive imagery. You've got to visualise the things you want to have happen. Can you believe that? Bitch, fly to Africa and tell one of those starving kids that all they need to do is imagine roast beef and mashed potatoes."
- Dave Chappelle
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