Post your corny jokes

[jreddragon9]

Jesus sees that planet earth is going down the drain because so many people use something called drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus...

The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called marijuana..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it..." he tries it and... "Hey dudes, the music sounds so great!"

Then Paul comes with some amphetamine... Jesus tries it and goes "Wow, I'm feeling hot and full of energy!"

Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus says "My hands... they look soo... strange".

He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile...

"Sooooo..... Judas ..... my ..... brother" he says, "What did .... you bring?"

Judas: "Errr... I brought ... the cops!"

[jreddragon9]

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.
The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.
One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?

[jreddragon9]

Q: Why did the religious person give up smoking?
A: Because god hates fags

[bp666]

Who's the best band - U2 or The Rolling Stones.

I say U2 has the edge.

[rustler]

A father was in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the front row so that the children could properly witness the service.......

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

[luddite]

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[tygrkhat40]

The legendary voice artist Mel Blanc once had a radio show where he played the owner of a hardware store. The censors wouldn't let him use this exchange:

Customer: Do you have a small bastard file?
Mel: No, but I've got this big son of a bitch.

[Jeff Vader]

JOHN TERRY
Prevent lip readers from accusing you of making racist remarks by concealing your mouth with a white pointy hood

[photoflex]

TREE

A tree is a perennial woody plant, that stays in one place for years and years,
then suddenly jumps in front of your car when you come home after a long night hanging out with friends.

[Jeff Vader]

to neigh or not to neigh.....

that is equestrian



i've just started the "oliver twist" diet

it's gruelling..