Letters to Viz

mrploat · November 4th, 2008, 04:51 PM

For those not in the know, Viz is a British comic aimed at adults and its letters page (most of which are made up by staff) is one of the funniest things going IMHO. Google 'viz letters' for more.

See you next week..." sang the Double Deckers at the end of episode 17 of the popular children's TV show, aired on 30th April 1971. Thirty-six years later we are still waiting. First the Blue Peter debacle, now this. Are there no lengths to which the BBC will not go to mislead its younger viewers?
Albert Picture, Aberdeen

I am in the process of buying a car and have narrowed my choice down to two. But I don't know whether to buy the one that floats away on balloons or the one that's made of cake. I think I prefer the one made of cake, but I'd like the security of knowing that the ad had won an award before making such a big commitment.
Brian Fester

I can't help thinking that if baggage handlers at Glasgow Airport spent less time punching burning terrorists and more time putting suitcases onto the f&cking carousel, I might not have waited an hour and a half for my bag after I got got off the plane from Toronto last week.
Chuck Jism, Newcastle

I've just seen the flooded state of Gloucester on the telly. I've been boycotting the place for years for just this reason. All the smart-arses who mocked me and made up stupid rhymes about me are laughing on the other side of their faces now. Sail on, tossers.
Dr Foster, Cheltenham

I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture.
Peter Roeth

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely legless and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, trying to kill me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man. Utd. supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it , but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. Rubbish! I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and beggared off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, dipperse.

**tun** · November 4th, 2008, 05:43 PM

Save money on costly personalised number plates by simply changing your name by deed poll to your current number plate
From Mr M299 GYK

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

troytempest77 · November 4th, 2008, 08:02 PM

I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
Ralfe Inger, e-mail

troytempest77 · November 4th, 2008, 08:04 PM

PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?
DNC, London

vos123123 · January 14th, 2009, 09:03 PM

Readers - save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction that the traffic is allowed to drive from.
Mr J. Smith
Manchester

Please be careful at the train station with the announcements! Last week I was waiting for my train when the announcer said that the train arriving on platform 2 was for Exeter. Since I was stood on that very platform I promptly jumped on to the tracks. To my surprise the train did not arrive on the platform at all and it was only through my swift actions that I am able to tell you this cautionary tale! You have been warned!
Sr Jose Kidding

Readers - always take care to look in both directions when crossing a one way street in case a bloody great furniture van is reversing from further up the street.
Mr J. Smith
Manchester Royal Infirmary

**baldie** · January 15th, 2009, 07:18 PM

They say that breast feeding is healthy & natural and that a woman should be able to do it anywhere. I agree, but i would like to point out that masturbation is also healthy and natural, not that you'd think it with the reaction i got on the number 14 bus this morning.

Mike Wakefield: email

I moved house recently and decided to redecorate the bedroom. In order to do the job properly, i moved the radiator and was appalled to discover a pair of the previous owners underwear down the back. Then i suddenly remembered that i had bought the house from Keira Knightly. Any offers?

H Rumblefish, Luton.

TOP TIP:Push Rice Crispies into the treads of you car tyres for that expensive gravel driveway feel.

twins1266 · January 15th, 2009, 09:01 PM

That Cindy Crawford exercise DVD is fantastic. I've only had it two weeks and already the muscles in my right arm are like Arnold Schwarzenegger's

mrploat · January 17th, 2009, 08:14 AM

I dont know why everyone is so pleased about America getting a black president. Zimbabwe have had one for years and he's shit.

I hate the way the French dip those stale cakes into coffee. Bunch of fucking pigs.

murmer98 · April 23rd, 2009, 11:16 AM

Save water when having a bath by filling half the bath up with bricks

murmer98 · April 23rd, 2009, 11:18 AM

For Sale: Water damaged chipboard cupboard. Will swap for same.

November 4th, 2008, 04:51 PM	#1
mrploat Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 65 Thanks: 180 Thanked 455 Times in 50 Posts	Letters to Viz For those not in the know, Viz is a British comic aimed at adults and its letters page (most of which are made up by staff) is one of the funniest things going IMHO. Google 'viz letters' for more. See you next week..." sang the Double Deckers at the end of episode 17 of the popular children's TV show, aired on 30th April 1971. Thirty-six years later we are still waiting. First the Blue Peter debacle, now this. Are there no lengths to which the BBC will not go to mislead its younger viewers? Albert Picture, Aberdeen I am in the process of buying a car and have narrowed my choice down to two. But I don't know whether to buy the one that floats away on balloons or the one that's made of cake. I think I prefer the one made of cake, but I'd like the security of knowing that the ad had won an award before making such a big commitment. Brian Fester I can't help thinking that if baggage handlers at Glasgow Airport spent less time punching burning terrorists and more time putting suitcases onto the f&cking carousel, I might not have waited an hour and a half for my bag after I got got off the plane from Toronto last week. Chuck Jism, Newcastle I've just seen the flooded state of Gloucester on the telly. I've been boycotting the place for years for just this reason. All the smart-arses who mocked me and made up stupid rhymes about me are laughing on the other side of their faces now. Sail on, tossers. Dr Foster, Cheltenham I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture. Peter Roeth On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely legless and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, trying to kill me instantly. Mrs B. Essex. The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar. John Sampson, Southampton. If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man. Utd. supporters? P. Sullivan, Birkenhead. They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local. D Evans, London. If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon? Stalker, Bournemouth. Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it , but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service. A Woodward, Sheffield. They say good manners cost you nothing. Rubbish! I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand. J Morgan, Wigan. If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics? Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham. In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century. Martin Harwood, Bradford. These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. Tim Wakefield, Surrey. We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and beggared off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us. George Nisbet. Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich. I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to. B Bollockbrain, Braintree. Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore. M Duckworth, dipperse.

November 4th, 2008, 05:43 PM	#2
tun Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 4,724 Thanks: 14,845 Thanked 165,472 Times in 4,743 Posts	..don't forget the top tips too, for example: Save money on costly personalised number plates by simply changing your name by deed poll to your current number plate From Mr M299 GYK SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

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November 4th, 2008, 08:02 PM	#3
troytempest77 Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 98 Thanks: 2,960 Thanked 1,235 Times in 88 Posts	I can't understand all this fuss about 'evil' Josef Fritzl? As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle. Ralfe Inger, e-mail

November 4th, 2008, 08:04 PM	#4
troytempest77 Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 98 Thanks: 2,960 Thanked 1,235 Times in 88 Posts	PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet? DNC, London

January 14th, 2009, 09:03 PM	#5
vos123123 Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 13 Thanks: 78 Thanked 221 Times in 12 Posts	Readers - save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction that the traffic is allowed to drive from. Mr J. Smith Manchester Please be careful at the train station with the announcements! Last week I was waiting for my train when the announcer said that the train arriving on platform 2 was for Exeter. Since I was stood on that very platform I promptly jumped on to the tracks. To my surprise the train did not arrive on the platform at all and it was only through my swift actions that I am able to tell you this cautionary tale! You have been warned! Sr Jose Kidding Readers - always take care to look in both directions when crossing a one way street in case a bloody great furniture van is reversing from further up the street. Mr J. Smith Manchester Royal Infirmary

January 15th, 2009, 07:18 PM	#6
baldie Vintage Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,031 Thanks: 114,732 Thanked 23,965 Times in 1,046 Posts	They say that breast feeding is healthy & natural and that a woman should be able to do it anywhere. I agree, but i would like to point out that masturbation is also healthy and natural, not that you'd think it with the reaction i got on the number 14 bus this morning. Mike Wakefield: email I moved house recently and decided to redecorate the bedroom. In order to do the job properly, i moved the radiator and was appalled to discover a pair of the previous owners underwear down the back. Then i suddenly remembered that i had bought the house from Keira Knightly. Any offers? H Rumblefish, Luton. TOP TIP:Push Rice Crispies into the treads of you car tyres for that expensive gravel driveway feel.

January 15th, 2009, 09:01 PM	#7
twins1266 Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1 Thanks: 44 Thanked 12 Times in 1 Post	That Cindy Crawford exercise DVD is fantastic. I've only had it two weeks and already the muscles in my right arm are like Arnold Schwarzenegger's

January 17th, 2009, 08:14 AM	#8
mrploat Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 65 Thanks: 180 Thanked 455 Times in 50 Posts	I dont know why everyone is so pleased about America getting a black president. Zimbabwe have had one for years and he's shit. I hate the way the French dip those stale cakes into coffee. Bunch of fucking pigs.

April 23rd, 2009, 11:16 AM	#9
murmer98 Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 25 Thanks: 1,095 Thanked 256 Times in 22 Posts	Save water when having a bath by filling half the bath up with bricks

April 23rd, 2009, 11:18 AM	#10
murmer98 Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 25 Thanks: 1,095 Thanked 256 Times in 22 Posts	For Sale: Water damaged chipboard cupboard. Will swap for same.