Post your corny jokes - Page 164

**les1917lie** · May 13th, 2011, 07:37 PM

An 80 year old man walks into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year old blonde on his arm. "I want a special ring for the lady" he said, so the assistant showed him a ring at £5000. "No, I want something really special" he said, so the assistant showed him one at £65000. "Thats the one, I'll write a cheque and when it clears on monday we'll come and get it. On monday the jeweller phones the man and says "there's no money in the account, the cheque bounced". "I know " said the man "but can you imagine the fucking weeekend I had?"

**mjefferys1** · May 15th, 2011, 12:50 AM

George Bush has a heart attack and dies(finally..). He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

**mjefferys1** · May 15th, 2011, 01:23 AM

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

**bp666** · May 15th, 2011, 05:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjefferys1

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.”

I posted this one back at #1365 (http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com...postcount=1365).

You even thanked me for it.

Though it is 5 months since then.

**mjefferys1** · May 15th, 2011, 05:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bp666

I posted this one back at #1365 (http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com...postcount=1365).

You even thanked me for it.

Though it is 5 months since then.

And I've been to sleep as well

**photoflex** · May 15th, 2011, 09:10 AM

Never mind!
I've even quoted myself on this forum.

It's the way I tell'em...

**Ernesto75** · May 16th, 2011, 06:44 AM

Two snobbish girls are attending a charity.

Cecilia: "Charlotte, what do you call a man who puts his tool in your mouth?"

Charlotte: "Cecilia! You embarrass me!"

Cecilia: "A dentist, silly."

hubsy · May 16th, 2011, 04:51 PM

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

**HugoHackenbush** · May 18th, 2011, 03:25 PM

The joke two posts back reminded me of this old joke from Benny Hill:

Q: What do you call a man who marries another man?
A: A vicar.

**Desert Dream** · May 23rd, 2011, 11:33 PM

Apparently when they buried bin laden at sea they put him in a west ham shirt so that he would stay on the bottom !

Just bought a Premiership tool box, although there are no hammers in it!!

I went to the gym yesterday and said to a trainer, ' Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there.'
He looked at me and replied, ' Try the cash machine outside the front door.

23 people have been found glued and stuck to the walls and ceilings of a Dublin train today...Irish police believe Irish muslims may have planted the very first no nails bomb !

May 15th, 2011, 12:50 AM	#1632
mjefferys1 Veteran Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Frozen North Posts: 1,537 Thanks: 18,772 Thanked 57,913 Times in 1,618 Posts	George Bush has a heart attack and dies(finally..). He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot water all day." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!" __________________ VEF, Every day I discover a new favorite....... Tell me if you recognise someone in my posts.

May 15th, 2011, 01:23 AM	#1633
mjefferys1 Veteran Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Frozen North Posts: 1,537 Thanks: 18,772 Thanked 57,913 Times in 1,618 Posts	A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.” __________________ VEF, Every day I discover a new favorite....... Tell me if you recognise someone in my posts.

May 15th, 2011, 09:10 AM	#1636
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,923 Thanked 127,779 Times in 3,570 Posts	Never mind! I've even quoted myself on this forum. It's the way I tell'em... __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

May 16th, 2011, 06:44 AM	#1637
Ernesto75 Vintage Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Planet Earth Posts: 1,106 Thanks: 12,732 Thanked 21,648 Times in 1,096 Posts	Two snobbish girls are attending a charity. Cecilia: "Charlotte, what do you call a man who puts his tool in your mouth?" Charlotte: "Cecilia! You embarrass me!" Cecilia: "A dentist, silly." Last edited by Ernesto75; May 16th, 2011 at 07:21 AM..

May 16th, 2011, 04:51 PM	#1638
hubsy Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 108 Thanks: 2,416 Thanked 1,892 Times in 107 Posts	Mommy's Black Sponge Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

May 13th, 2011, 07:37 PM	#1631
les1917lie Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 2,404 Thanks: 7,258 Thanked 89,217 Times in 2,404 Posts	An 80 year old man walks into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year old blonde on his arm. "I want a special ring for the lady" he said, so the assistant showed him a ring at £5000. "No, I want something really special" he said, so the assistant showed him one at £65000. "Thats the one, I'll write a cheque and when it clears on monday we'll come and get it. On monday the jeweller phones the man and says "there's no money in the account, the cheque bounced". "I know " said the man "but can you imagine the fucking weeekend I had?"

May 18th, 2011, 03:25 PM	#1639
HugoHackenbush Veteran Marxist Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Wherever it's warm Posts: 14,120 Thanks: 205,952 Thanked 336,495 Times in 14,173 Posts	An old one, but still... The joke two posts back reminded me of this old joke from Benny Hill: Q: What do you call a man who marries another man? A: A vicar. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Just give me your body - I'll give you my brain - it's a fair exchange

May 23rd, 2011, 11:33 PM	#1640
Desert Dream Waggleton P. Tallylicker Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Nor Iron Posts: 1,859 Thanks: 59,330 Thanked 72,663 Times in 1,892 Posts	Apparently when they buried bin laden at sea they put him in a west ham shirt so that he would stay on the bottom ! Just bought a Premiership tool box, although there are no hammers in it!! I went to the gym yesterday and said to a trainer, ' Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there.' He looked at me and replied, ' Try the cash machine outside the front door. 23 people have been found glued and stuck to the walls and ceilings of a Dublin train today...Irish police believe Irish muslims may have planted the very first no nails bomb !

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