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Old 05-09-2018, 11:08 AM   #13681
Silklover
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Default Wittle Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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Old 05-10-2018, 05:46 PM   #13682
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Default

Just seen that Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital.

"His speech is improving, and he can now string a sentence together."

Said Fergie..
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Old 05-10-2018, 05:58 PM   #13683
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One day a woman was working at a s*erm bank when an armed and masked robber bursts in demanding money.
The woman has no money and says: “sir you do realize this is a s*erm bank right?”
The man replies: “fine then take me to where you keep the sperm or I will shoot you”
The girl directs him to the vault and the man says: “I want you to drink one.”
Reluctantly the women drinks the s*erm and the man says: “drink another one”, so she does after she’s done the man pulls off his mask and says: “see honey it’s not that hard”.
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Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
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Old 05-10-2018, 06:41 PM   #13684
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Default

Me: Say “I am a man” after everything I say.
Friend: Alright.
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You decided to get drunk.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You went to the bar.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You found a hot chick there.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You both came into your room and had sex.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: Next morning you wake up.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: And she says…
Friend: I am a man.
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Old 05-10-2018, 11:44 PM   #13685
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So I go to my doctor and he says to me, "You might need a bypass". I reply, "Maybe, the traffic's terrible on my road".
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Old 05-11-2018, 10:51 AM   #13686
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Mary Todd Lincoln walks into a restaurant. The maitre 'd is a Democrat. He asks the former First Lady, "Would you like a table or a Booth?"
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Old 05-12-2018, 01:18 AM   #13687
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my brain...

'where have I left my keys?'
then:
'Alicia Keys, Alicia Augello Cook, born January 25, 1981'
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Old 05-12-2018, 11:11 AM   #13688
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Default

St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in.

Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
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Old 05-13-2018, 04:24 AM   #13689
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I went to the zoo, saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the keeper what it was. He said it was bread in captivity.
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Old 05-13-2018, 10:07 AM   #13690
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Was set upon by three muggers last night , still managed to knock one out.

Not the best time for a wank I know, but it could have been my last !.


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