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Old 02-13-2017, 02:40 AM   #12291
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Looking for more of or about her?
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Old 02-13-2017, 08:04 AM   #12292
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A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

A man speaks frantically on the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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Old 02-13-2017, 01:49 PM   #12293
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Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands clasped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians. Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?" Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies." Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies. The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-" "Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"
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Old 02-13-2017, 02:02 PM   #12294
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SanteeFats View Post
Pedro lives in an orphanage.
I don't know why, I started laughing at that point
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Old 02-13-2017, 04:36 PM   #12295
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I asked my Mum and Dad what they did to stave off boredom before the internet came along. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters too, and they didn't know, either.
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Old 02-13-2017, 09:14 PM   #12296
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I decided to tell my wife the truth and confess that I've been seeing a psychiatrist.

Apparently she's also been seeing a psychiatrist...two plumbers and the window cleaner!
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Old 02-14-2017, 04:19 PM   #12297
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An old fella walks into a barber's and says "Do you do shaves? I've never had a shave in a barber's but I can't shave meself properly any more, me cheeks 'ave got too wrinkly. Can you help?"
"No problem" says the barber "I've got just the thing." He gets a golf ball from a jar and tells the old boy to put it in his mouth between his teeth and cheek. He does as he's asked, his cheek puffs out smooth and the barber gets to work. When that side's done he rolls the ball to the other side of his mouth and spits it out when the shave's done.
"Bloody hell, that's a lovely job, son" he says as he feels his face "that's the smoothest shave I've 'ad in donkey's years. Tell you what though, what if I'd swallered that golf ball?"
"No problem pops, you could have brought it back in a couple of days like the last bloke."
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Old 02-15-2017, 10:31 PM   #12298
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I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!
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Old 02-15-2017, 11:30 PM   #12299
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireburning View Post
I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!
Impressive! I could never get past the bubbles tickling my nose!
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Old 02-18-2017, 02:08 AM   #12300
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Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.
The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house.'
The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'
The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.'
The other brothers were very impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: 'Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.'

Marvin -- 'Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.'

'Irving Tataleh, you gave me an expensive home theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.'

'Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The Chicken was delicious!!
!'
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