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Old 02-14-2017, 05:19 PM   #12281
gedly
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An old fella walks into a barber's and says "Do you do shaves? I've never had a shave in a barber's but I can't shave meself properly any more, me cheeks 'ave got too wrinkly. Can you help?"
"No problem" says the barber "I've got just the thing." He gets a golf ball from a jar and tells the old boy to put it in his mouth between his teeth and cheek. He does as he's asked, his cheek puffs out smooth and the barber gets to work. When that side's done he rolls the ball to the other side of his mouth and spits it out when the shave's done.
"Bloody hell, that's a lovely job, son" he says as he feels his face "that's the smoothest shave I've 'ad in donkey's years. Tell you what though, what if I'd swallered that golf ball?"
"No problem pops, you could have brought it back in a couple of days like the last bloke."
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Old 02-15-2017, 11:31 PM   #12282
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I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!
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Old 02-16-2017, 12:30 AM   #12283
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireburning View Post
I tried sniffing coke once, but i got the ice cubes stuck in my nose!!
Impressive! I could never get past the bubbles tickling my nose!
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Old 02-18-2017, 03:08 AM   #12284
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Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.
The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house.'
The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'
The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.'
The other brothers were very impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: 'Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.'

Marvin -- 'Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.'

'Irving Tataleh, you gave me an expensive home theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.'

'Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The Chicken was delicious!!
!'
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Last edited by photoflex; 02-18-2017 at 01:00 PM..
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Old 02-18-2017, 04:42 AM   #12285
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^^ GOD DAMN! I laughed so hard it torah me a new one!!!

WELL DONE!
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Old 02-18-2017, 09:14 AM   #12286
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I have a Polish friend who works as a roadie. I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too. I have a Czech one too.
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Old 02-18-2017, 03:07 PM   #12287
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My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

and a oldie but goodie

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts" "And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians'
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Old 02-19-2017, 03:03 AM   #12288
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^^ Re Custer, I thought I knew every joke in the world.... Thanks!

Here's a Lone Ranger joke. Just the punchline. You can make up the rest:

No, Tonto! I said bring POSSE!

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On a side note, You fkers have been bringing me a laugh a day (AT LEAST!) for .... 8 years running. Thank you. My join date was actually in 2007, not 2009, but I posted a thing about Dihydrogen Monoxide, you know.... water, in the FUNNIES thread of all places, and I got banned for spam? and later recreated. I had to kiss some mod ass to get that done. Thanks, mod, if you're still here. Jajajajajajajja!
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Old 02-19-2017, 08:11 AM   #12289
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gmcbee View Post

Here's a Lone Ranger joke. Just the punchline. You can make up the rest:

No, Tonto! I said bring POSSE!
Tonto returned with a tabby cat?
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Old 02-19-2017, 11:09 AM   #12290
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I once applied for a patent for a machine that made pancakes. It was turned down flat.
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