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Old 12-29-2016, 04:16 PM   #12211
Almero
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I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to f..k off and buy my own.


One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!
I'll f..k their boyfriends.


Because of my obsession with ladders, I joined Ladders Anonymous.
I am on their twelve step programme.


I've told you a million times, I never exaggerate.


Slept like a baby last night.
I kept waking up every few hours to suck on some titties.


Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank . . . the dwarf."


Woke up this morning in the Police station with a right hangover. I must stop drinking when I'm on duty.

Last edited by Almero; 12-29-2016 at 05:25 PM..
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Old 12-29-2016, 04:20 PM   #12212
MaxJoker
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Red face Just nobody tell palo5 about this , or he`ll slap the backs of my legs

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Old 12-29-2016, 04:58 PM   #12213
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There is an ad running here from Victoria's Secret. Buy one bra get a second one half off. So I went into the nearest one and asked to see the models with the half off bras.
A friend posted bail.
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Old 12-30-2016, 08:19 AM   #12214
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An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way...
So I moved the mirror.


It is very difficult to convince a pregnant girlfriend that you are not the person she deserves.


I just recently installed a new loft ladder I got for Christmas. Now it's time to read the instructions on how to use it.

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Step 4.


There once was a man called Dave
Who dug up a prostitutes grave
She was mouldy as shit
Minus one tit
But look at the money he saved!

Last edited by Almero; 12-30-2016 at 08:40 AM..
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Old 12-30-2016, 08:50 AM   #12215
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Almero View Post
So I moved the mirror.
Thought you were going to say: broke the glass ceiling.
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Old 12-30-2016, 09:11 AM   #12216
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Originally Posted by effCup View Post
Thought you were going to say: broke the glass ceiling.
That is the reason I don't even look in the rearview mirror
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Old 12-30-2016, 12:38 PM   #12217
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I'm thinking of buying a Millennium Falcon. So I said to the dealer, "So I can use my mobile without taking my hands off the controls?" "Oh certainly", he replied, "it's completely Hans Solo".
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Old 12-30-2016, 12:47 PM   #12218
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Originally Posted by gedly View Post
Millennium Falcon
Although so last century they still haven't gained the patina of vintage... despite having a gun turret straight out of a Lancaster bomber.

That's the far, far away galaxy without any internet. Did they ever get cellphones?
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Old 12-30-2016, 02:24 PM   #12219
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What's the difference between a friend and a good friend?

A friend helps you move. A good friend helps you move a body.
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Old 12-30-2016, 02:38 PM   #12220
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Quote:
Originally Posted by effCup View Post
Although so last century they still haven't gained the patina of vintage... despite having a gun turret straight out of a Lancaster bomber.

That's the far, far away galaxy without any internet. Did they ever get cellphones?
I always wonder how they got humans who could speak modern languages long, long ago in that galaxy far, far away.
e.d.
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