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Old 12-01-2016, 03:43 PM   #12181
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Old 12-01-2016, 06:59 PM   #12182
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During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgment, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
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Old 12-02-2016, 01:38 PM   #12183
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What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark? I don't know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
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What happens when you cross a smowman and a vampire? You get frostbite.
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"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?"--"We can hear it better if he falls out."
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What does a cloud with an itchy rash do? Finds the nearest skyscaper.
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Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Old 12-02-2016, 09:45 PM   #12184
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I was going to write a book about boredom but it just got tedious.
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Old 12-03-2016, 12:17 AM   #12185
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What do you call a Mexican in outer space?
An Astronaut, you f**'n racist!
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Old 12-03-2016, 02:26 PM   #12186
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A priest goes to see a condemned criminal the evening before his execution. The priest asks him, "Do you have any special requests before your execution tomorrow morning?" The convict replies, "Oh, nothing special, just my usual copy of The Sun". "Why do you want a copy of The Sun tomorrow morning?", the priest asks. The convict replies, "Well, I always like reading my horoscope first thing in the morning"
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Old 12-04-2016, 02:57 PM   #12187
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Old 12-04-2016, 07:30 PM   #12188
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Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"
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Old 12-05-2016, 12:53 PM   #12189
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Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years." "But doctor, I am already 80!" "You see--I told you to quit smoking."
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I'm sorry and I apologize generally mean the same thing-except at funerals.
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Yes, money can't buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more confortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
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One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us-We haven't done anything."
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Oh welcome home darling, "he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bed."
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:51 PM   #12190
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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his father replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, she accidently drops a bottle of perfume, and says, "Shit!" He asks her "What is shit?" and she says, "perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks , "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing". Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."
The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."
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