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Old 12-16-2016, 11:27 PM   #12171
deadman76
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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Old 12-17-2016, 07:16 AM   #12172
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Sad news as a man was killed in a chocolate factory today, apparently 500lbs of white confectionary fell on him...........................he tried to call for help but when he shouted the 'milky bars are on me!' every one just cheered and clapped..............
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Old 12-17-2016, 08:28 AM   #12173
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Some say filling animals with helium is wrong.
I say, whatever floats your goat.
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Old 12-17-2016, 04:08 PM   #12174
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I had a run in with a female hunter the other day.
She was quite excitedly waving her gun around and telling me to get away from her kill. She had shot this deer and it was all hers.
When she finally stopped talking I said "Fine, you can keep your kill. Just shoulder your rifle while I get my saddle."
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:04 PM   #12175
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Here's one that just popped into my head this afternoon for no reason:

Q:What's a Muslim's favourite breakfast cereal?
A:Koran-flakes!
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:16 PM   #12176
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofKent View Post
Here's one that just popped into my head this afternoon for no reason:

Q:What's a Muslim's favourite breakfast cereal?
A:Koran-flakes!
Groan. Better stuff it back in there
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Old 12-18-2016, 03:36 PM   #12177
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Originally Posted by }[eywood View Post
Groan. Better stuff it back in there
That's what she said.
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Old 12-18-2016, 04:06 PM   #12178
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Three businessmen were riding together on Christmas Eve on their way home from a Christmas party when their car hit a patch of ice, skidded off the road and hit a tree.

All three died and found themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter looked them up and down, shaking his head from side to side. "You three are about as sorry a lot as I have seen lately. I fear you are at the wrong place, but since it is Christmastime, I'll allow you in on one condition." "What is that?" one of them asked.

"You must reach into your pocket and show me an item with a connection with Christmas."

One of the quickly reached into his pocket and produced a lighter, which he lit and held it above his head. "This symbolizes a Christmas candle." Saint Peter nodded his head and opened the gate to allow the man to enter.

Following his friend's example, the second man reached into his pocket and produced a ring of keys, which he shook allowing the keys to jingle. "This symbolizes Christmas bells." Again Saint Peter nodded his head and opened the gate.

The third man reached into his pocket and produced a pair of women's panties which he head out for Saint Peter's examination.

"What Christmas significance can they have?" Saint Peter asked. "They are paisley in print, and of purple and gold color."

"They're Carol's."
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Old 12-18-2016, 11:29 PM   #12179
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A young Portsmouth lass was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?'
Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry"...........................
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Old 12-19-2016, 03:18 PM   #12180
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Originally Posted by rosestone View Post
Gone bust have they, that's ruff.
Yes, terrierable news!!
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