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Old 11-15-2016, 04:52 PM   #12121
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Originally Posted by captpike View Post
... Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?"

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." ...
So that's why they always told me as a child "Take your hands out of your 'pockets'".
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Old 11-15-2016, 05:56 PM   #12122
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One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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Old 11-15-2016, 07:17 PM   #12123
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry
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Old 11-16-2016, 11:19 AM   #12124
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Old 11-16-2016, 12:51 PM   #12125
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I've got a whole book of these somewhere...
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Old 11-16-2016, 02:55 PM   #12126
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I've got a whole book of these somewhere...

Then dig it out You six foot nine (To say nothing of your height ) tease , dig it out




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Old 11-16-2016, 09:12 PM   #12127
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A pun, a play of words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. The joke wasn't there because it was busy parking the car.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
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How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n +1 times."
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A mathematician wanders back home a 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!"
"Actually," the mathematician replies cooly, " I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
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Old 11-17-2016, 10:47 AM   #12128
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Big Grin The one and only really funny knock-knock joke I can think of ...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Let me out!
Let me out who?
Let me out of this damned coffin ...
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Old 11-17-2016, 11:42 AM   #12129
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I think no one around has yet commented on the fact that Donald Trump when visiting Barack Obama in White House used his rear entrance ...
But strangely enough since his coming out he speaks as if Obama had paid a visit to him - finally he seems to get used to Obama care ... or was it by Obama care?
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Old 11-17-2016, 01:09 PM   #12130
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Did you hear the one about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "Bach,Bach,Bach."
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
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A sign at a music shop: " Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet."
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-Na-Na-Naaaaaa ( the opening strands of his ninth Symphony )
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