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Old 11-21-2016, 09:26 PM   #12111
Aaron
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I wrote a book. A science text that made people weep tears of cold black stone it was so good:

"Cryonics And You."
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Old 11-22-2016, 12:37 PM   #12112
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Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick, "What school?"
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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork???!!!"
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I haven't spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
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Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
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My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
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I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
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Old 11-23-2016, 03:12 PM   #12113
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Smile

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
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When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
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Knock, Knock-Who's there?- Your Java Update.
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About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die! Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
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How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It's when the blind try to read your face.
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Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
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Old 11-24-2016, 02:13 PM   #12114
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It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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After many years of studying at a university, I've fianally become a PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
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There is nothing worse than child polio. No wait, there's womens's soccer.
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Why did the shark keep swimming in circles? It had a nosebleed.
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
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"I wasn't that drunk yesterday" "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying"
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I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn't get bacon seeds anywhere.
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Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn't count.
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Old 11-24-2016, 06:23 PM   #12115
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So the cops said to me, "The DNA we collected from this car matches exactly your DNA. You know what that means, don't you?"
"That I've got a twin brother who's a Ford Escort?"
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Old 11-25-2016, 09:34 AM   #12116
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Two philosophers were sitting in a coffe shop by the window and they were discussing how they thought the world would end.

The first philosopher says "the world will end in flames and everything will burn!"

The second philosopher retorted "No! The world will once again flood like in the bible!"

... Then out of nowhere llamas started falling from the sky!

...it was the alpacalypse.
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Old 11-25-2016, 12:05 PM   #12117
MaxJoker
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Old 11-25-2016, 02:36 PM   #12118
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Smile

Woke up with a dead leg this morning. I will not take out a loan with the mafia ever again.
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A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
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The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it.
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What does a crocodile say when it eats a clown? "Tastes funny somehow!"
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Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it? A conversation.
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Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
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Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the feeling somebody is watching me."
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I'm selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
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Old 11-25-2016, 04:07 PM   #12119
Bill derBerg
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My first wife was a ballerina, she really kept me on my toes.
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Old 11-25-2016, 04:09 PM   #12120
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i used to go out with a contortionist,The sex was great until She broke it off...
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The nakedness of woman is the work of God-William Blake

It is a porn site,But it's a Classy porn site.
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