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Old 12-04-2016, 08:30 PM   #12111
SanteeFats
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Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"
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Old 12-05-2016, 01:53 PM   #12112
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Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years." "But doctor, I am already 80!" "You see--I told you to quit smoking."
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I'm sorry and I apologize generally mean the same thing-except at funerals.
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Yes, money can't buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more confortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
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One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us-We haven't done anything."
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Oh welcome home darling, "he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bed."
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Old 12-06-2016, 01:51 PM   #12113
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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his father replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, she accidently drops a bottle of perfume, and says, "Shit!" He asks her "What is shit?" and she says, "perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks , "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing". Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."
The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:22 PM   #12114
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Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:17 PM   #12115
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Originally Posted by SanteeFats View Post
Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
I think the only thing older than that joke is dirt. But only by about a week.
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:29 PM   #12116
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Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:14 PM   #12117
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Guess who I saw today ? ,

Everybody I looked at !
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Old 12-07-2016, 01:22 PM   #12118
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A panda walk into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
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Old 12-08-2016, 02:05 PM   #12119
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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" askes the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"
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Old 12-08-2016, 03:22 PM   #12120
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If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.
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