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Old 11-14-2016, 06:01 PM   #12111
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Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"
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Old 11-14-2016, 10:12 PM   #12112
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Do I know any jokes about sodium? Na.
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Old 11-15-2016, 02:54 AM   #12113
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Do I know any jokes about sodium? Na.
My brother Al told me that was quite a Po joke, although it made me He and Ho!

My Pa just said "No Mo!"
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Old 11-15-2016, 10:43 AM   #12114
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Schrödinger's Cat walks into a bar ... and doesn't ...


Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einsteins turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off an hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten an uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
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Old 11-15-2016, 02:28 PM   #12115
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A teacher was teaching her secoond grade class about the government, so for homework that day, she told students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Johnny and went to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then just realized something and thinks aloud, " OH!! Now I understand the government!
The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!!
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Old 11-15-2016, 04:05 PM   #12116
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."

The teacher took him to the principle's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?"

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants."

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."
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Old 11-15-2016, 04:18 PM   #12117
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Who's The Fool?



“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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Old 11-15-2016, 04:52 PM   #12118
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captpike View Post
... Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?"

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." ...
So that's why they always told me as a child "Take your hands out of your 'pockets'".
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Old 11-15-2016, 05:56 PM   #12119
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One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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Old 11-15-2016, 07:17 PM   #12120
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry
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