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Old 11-26-2016, 03:55 PM   #12111
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmaster View Post
...women ... do go into space now.
Now if we could just find a way to leave them there...
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Old 11-28-2016, 12:02 PM   #12112
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They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on-the prices are way too high, plus I haven't had a barbecue in months.
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Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his cell phone with trembling fingers and call 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
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My wife divorced me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.
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Why haven't you ever seen any elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really, really good at it.
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We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael."
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Old 11-28-2016, 01:51 PM   #12113
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Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.
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Old 11-29-2016, 12:16 AM   #12114
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3 months ago I stopped drinking alcohol, stopped smoking, had no more sugar and started doing exercise for 30 minutes every day.
I feel clean, more energetic, I've lost weight and I am mentally more balanced.
I'll continue this and even increase my exercise to a full hour and take yoga classes.

I don't know whose status this is, but it said Please copy & share!

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Old 11-29-2016, 01:58 PM   #12115
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What is dangerous? Sneezing while having diarrhea!
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Secretary: "Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment."
Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him."
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Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."
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"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"
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A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
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Trying to understand women is pointless. Women understand women and they can't stand each other.
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I heard women love a man in uniform. Can't wait to start working at McDonalds.
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Old 11-30-2016, 02:20 PM   #12116
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Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?" The wolf replies:"Go away! I'm crapping!"
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Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? Because they're bitter.
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
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I'm certain there are female homones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
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Money doesn't buy you happiness but it can buy you a jet-ski. It is impossible to be sad when you're riding on the jet-ski.
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Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
Woman: Yeah, sure!
Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!
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Old 11-30-2016, 02:32 PM   #12117
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Mal, Jeff, why have you forsaken us so, recently. TM seems to be taking over the forum one thread at a time.

Not that he's not doing a fine job of it. I just miss Jeff's tastelessness.

Oh I better post a joke or TM will yell at me.

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
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Old 12-01-2016, 12:52 AM   #12118
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If your cat isn't either:

1) A mentally deranged ninja

or

2) an incompetant ninja


then it's a dog.
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Old 12-01-2016, 01:35 PM   #12119
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Two state clerks meet in the corridor. One asks the other, "Couldn't sleep either?"
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs? So their nuts don't get wet!
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Why are frogs such happy animals? Becase they always eat whatever bugs them.
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That moment when you laugh so hard in a fancy restaurant that the wine comes back through your nose.
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Q: Is Google a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
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What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
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What do you get if you crossbreed a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper.
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:43 PM   #12120
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