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Old 11-30-2016, 03:32 PM   #12101
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Mal, Jeff, why have you forsaken us so, recently. TM seems to be taking over the forum one thread at a time.

Not that he's not doing a fine job of it. I just miss Jeff's tastelessness.

Oh I better post a joke or TM will yell at me.

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
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Old 12-01-2016, 01:52 AM   #12102
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If your cat isn't either:

1) A mentally deranged ninja

or

2) an incompetant ninja


then it's a dog.
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Old 12-01-2016, 02:35 PM   #12103
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Two state clerks meet in the corridor. One asks the other, "Couldn't sleep either?"
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs? So their nuts don't get wet!
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Why are frogs such happy animals? Becase they always eat whatever bugs them.
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That moment when you laugh so hard in a fancy restaurant that the wine comes back through your nose.
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Q: Is Google a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
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What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
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What do you get if you crossbreed a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper.
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Old 12-01-2016, 04:43 PM   #12104
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Old 12-01-2016, 07:59 PM   #12105
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During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgment, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
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Old 12-02-2016, 02:38 PM   #12106
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What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark? I don't know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
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Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Old 12-02-2016, 10:45 PM   #12107
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I was going to write a book about boredom but it just got tedious.
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Old 12-03-2016, 01:17 AM   #12108
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What do you call a Mexican in outer space?
An Astronaut, you f**'n racist!
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Old 12-03-2016, 03:26 PM   #12109
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A priest goes to see a condemned criminal the evening before his execution. The priest asks him, "Do you have any special requests before your execution tomorrow morning?" The convict replies, "Oh, nothing special, just my usual copy of The Sun". "Why do you want a copy of The Sun tomorrow morning?", the priest asks. The convict replies, "Well, I always like reading my horoscope first thing in the morning"
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Old 12-04-2016, 03:57 PM   #12110
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