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June 29th, 2016, 08:48 AM | #11191 |
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When the Swedish company Electrolux were to introduce vacuum cleaners in the UK they found a good slogan for that: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"
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June 29th, 2016, 03:23 PM | #11192 |
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Sometimes I am away from the family for weeks. They deserve better. So I am going to start staying away longer.
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June 29th, 2016, 04:06 PM | #11193 |
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Viagra - it won't make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.
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June 29th, 2016, 04:26 PM | #11194 |
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My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.
I asked "where's this stemming from petal?" I've got a chicken proof lawn. It's impeccable. I've just bought a new aftershave called bread crumbs. The birds love it! I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was like a trip down memory lane. I use to date a tennis player. But love meant nothing to her. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, She means 666-3629. Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool. Wooden tit? I took the rear view mirror out of the car, and since then I’ve never looked back. I don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat. Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings - I was Tolkien in my sleep. I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room to make it look more classy. The Mother-In-Law’s drowning and I've informed Emergency Services. I hope they save her or it’s a waste of a first class stamp. I've just bought a house with period features... My wife really hates that nickname. When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked! I just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word. I can't even tell you how angry I am! |
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June 29th, 2016, 06:00 PM | #11195 |
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One for soccer fans (and, I guess, Bonnie Tyler fans)
I've just watched 'Bonnie Tyler's Goalkeeping Blunders' on DVD.
It's totally clips of Joe Hart. |
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June 29th, 2016, 06:26 PM | #11196 |
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I once tried to invent a musical kettle but my idea ran out of steam.
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July 1st, 2016, 06:13 PM | #11197 |
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__________________
My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. |
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July 2nd, 2016, 12:57 AM | #11198 |
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!' No offence meant to any brothers who may be Lawyers.......or Priests..I guess. |
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July 2nd, 2016, 02:28 AM | #11199 |
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There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
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July 2nd, 2016, 05:25 AM | #11200 |
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I love this joke so much:
Seamus was 87, on his deathbed and in pain. He smelled the aroma of a fresh baked pie coming from outside his bedroom. He thought to himself, "My dear wife Maggie must be making my favorite pie as a sentiment to our final hours together." So he mustered up what little strength he had remaining in his wracked and feeble body and dragged himself out of bed. Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbled into the hallway, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he saw the magnificent pie, the steam still rising from the crust. He thought, "God bless me devoted wife Margaret for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth", and he fell to the floor and crawled towards the table. He got to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he had left, reached up with his hand to take a taste. Just then, he felt the stinging *whack*! of a spoon across his knuckles. He looked up to see Margaret standing over him, shouting "Don't ye dare touch that pie, ya great ass, it's for the wake!" |
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