Post your corny jokes - Page 1313

captain fanta · March 4th, 2018, 09:41 PM

Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in 2 local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

**trailmaster** · March 4th, 2018, 10:13 PM

A man comes home after a hard day's work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap. "What are you doing in my fridge?" the man asks. The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" "Um, yes" the man replies. "It is."

"Well then," the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, "I am twying to west."

**gmcbee** · March 5th, 2018, 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by captain fanta

Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in 2 local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Well played, good sir!

May I add, it's not a well known fact, but Dickens' first novel was inspired by his tryst with a prostitute who was an amputee from the waist down. Sadly, it remains largely unknown. _A Sale of Two Titties_, I believe it was called.

**trailmaster** · March 5th, 2018, 01:41 PM

On the roof of a very tall building are four men: one is asian, one is mexican, one is black and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and throws the white guy off the roof.

~~}[eywood~~ · March 5th, 2018, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmaster

On the roof of a very tall building are four men: one is asian, one is mexican, one is black and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and throws the white guy off the roof.

Good thing they didn't let the white guy go first. He'd've thrown the other three off the roof for his people

dangerpin · March 5th, 2018, 08:27 PM

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

**bfg9000** · March 6th, 2018, 03:45 AM

Three Polish Guys were going to rob people at a government cheese line. They waited for the people to exit the building with their bags of free government cheese.

After getting the bags, they got away and went back to the hideout. They all compared their bags of loot. The first man opened his bag and said that his bag had American Cheese.

The second man did the same thing as the first man, and said his bag was filled with Swiss Cheese.

The third man looked perplexed at his bag. The other two asked what was wrong. He said he had Black Cheese. The others looked at him strangely. He stole it from a black guy, who chased him as he got away, all the while screaming, "NACHO CHEESE, NACHO CHEESE"!

**BCFC_1982** · March 6th, 2018, 09:00 AM

If you're American before you go to the toilet.... And you're American when you come out of the toilet.... What are you while you're in the toilet?

European

**effCup** · March 6th, 2018, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BCFC_1982

in the toilet?

With wet feet or just flippers?

**trailmaster** · March 6th, 2018, 12:55 PM

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd" , answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"

A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!" "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"

March 6th, 2018, 03:45 AM	#13127
bfg9000 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In between Shirley Manson's thighs mostly Posts: 683 Thanks: 11,930 Thanked 7,322 Times in 645 Posts	Three Polish Guys were going to rob people at a government cheese line. They waited for the people to exit the building with their bags of free government cheese. After getting the bags, they got away and went back to the hideout. They all compared their bags of loot. The first man opened his bag and said that his bag had American Cheese. The second man did the same thing as the first man, and said his bag was filled with Swiss Cheese. The third man looked perplexed at his bag. The other two asked what was wrong. He said he had Black Cheese. The others looked at him strangely. He stole it from a black guy, who chased him as he got away, all the while screaming, "NACHO CHEESE, NACHO CHEESE"! __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ] To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. "I am the head of my state, the minister of my own church" --- Shirley Manson "I am immortal now so watch out you freaks!"--- Shirley Manson

March 6th, 2018, 09:00 AM	#13128
BCFC_1982 Fiona Cooper Enthusiast Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: England Posts: 6,545 Thanks: 109,012 Thanked 106,990 Times in 6,821 Posts	If you're American before you go to the toilet.... And you're American when you come out of the toilet.... What are you while you're in the toilet? European __________________ All my later posts (2017+) have 3% recovery records in the RAR files To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. PM me in relation to anything Fiona Cooper

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March 4th, 2018, 09:41 PM	#13121
captain fanta Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 79 Thanks: 39,751 Thanked 1,012 Times in 75 Posts	Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialised in 2 local papers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

March 4th, 2018, 10:13 PM	#13122
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,164 Times in 60,062 Posts	A man comes home after a hard day's work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap. "What are you doing in my fridge?" the man asks. The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" "Um, yes" the man replies. "It is." "Well then," the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, "I am twying to west."

March 5th, 2018, 01:41 PM	#13124
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,164 Times in 60,062 Posts	On the roof of a very tall building are four men: one is asian, one is mexican, one is black and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and throws the white guy off the roof.

March 5th, 2018, 08:27 PM	#13126
dangerpin Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 25 Thanks: 2,945 Thanked 295 Times in 24 Posts	FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag;... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!!

March 6th, 2018, 12:55 PM	#13130
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,164 Times in 60,062 Posts	Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd" , answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!" "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"