Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 4

MaxJoker · September 29th, 2013, 06:17 PM

The wife broke down in tears and really cried last night, telling me she was going to kill herself if i didn't stop getting drunk and continually beating her .

You know what, it seriously made me think.

That i`m almost going to miss her.

Estreeter · September 30th, 2013, 01:01 PM

A mate pissed me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he used it. Three months later... my Mom's pregnant.

MaxJoker · September 30th, 2013, 04:46 PM

How is it right that gay men can marry each other now , yet i'm not legally allowed to marry my own girlfriend !.

Just because she's only ten years old ?.

Looks like we'll have to make do with a "Savile" partnership then.

**ManofKent** · September 30th, 2013, 05:38 PM

Princess Diana walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.

The barman says "Certainly. Will Carling do?"

(I would like to point out that I first heard this joke BEFORE 1997...)

**sweatyhat** · September 30th, 2013, 06:02 PM

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a better driver.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.

Why was Elton John invited to Diana's memorial?
So that at least one old queen would cry.

MaxJoker · September 30th, 2013, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ManofKent

(I would like to point out that I first heard this joke BEFORE 1997...)

Feel free to point out whatever you may like fellow member.

Providing you don`t mind me ,after reading your joke, pointing out !.

Huh

I mean come on with a gag like that it`s almost as if you want us all to go to heaven or something

Oh before you reply, remember heaven serves no alcohol , let alone extra cheese crust filled salami smothered pizzas

Anyway

Q: How do you starve a Polish immigrant to death ?

A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

**sweatyhat** · September 30th, 2013, 06:13 PM

Austrian nonce Josef Fritzl is writing a new book.
People are doubting though whether it will be a best cellar.

Why is Elizabeth Fritzl looking forward to Christmas this year?
Because for once her presents aren't going to come from Daddy's sack...

Josef Fritzl has divorced his wife of 55 years because she has never visited him in prison.
That's terrible. He went to see his daughter every day when she was locked up.

What's the definition of confusion?
Mothers day in the Fritzl household.

**sweatyhat** · October 1st, 2013, 03:07 AM

I really wish everyone would just get off George Michael's back.
The warden says it's my turn now.

What does a Wellington boot and George Michael have in common?
They both get sucked off in the bog.

What's white and slides down toilet walls?
George Michael's latest release.

George Michael has been banned from his local pub today for having a sneaky fag in the gents.

George Michael has just released his new single 'I've Dropped The Soap.' He's had an surprise entry into the number 2 slot.

George Michael was recently spotted holidaying in China.
Apparently, it's his idea of heaven: everytime you turn around, there's a Wang in your face.

Anyone notice an anagram of George Michael is He come, I gargle!

It has been proposed by his family that George Michael should be offered protection in prison.
The police guards issued him a pair of knee pads earlier this morning.

Locking George Michael up in prison is like being caught cheating on your wife and being sent to a Whore house as punishment.

George Michael has cancelled the Australian leg of his world tour.
Strange. I thought he'd be looking forward to being in Sydney.

**ManofKent** · October 1st, 2013, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweatyhat

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a better driver.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.

Why was Elton John invited to Diana's memorial?
So that at least one old queen would cry.

I've heard that first one before on TV, but not the others.

There's also another one I've heard from the same show-

After her death they made a water fountain dedicated to her in Hyde Park.

And you know why?

Because it's shallow and breaks down easily.

Estreeter · October 1st, 2013, 01:37 PM

I can't think of anything more horrible than after a night of hard partying and drinking than waking up next to strange naked female, not being able to remember her name, or how you met, or why she's dead.

September 29th, 2013, 06:17 PM	#31
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,513 Times in 69,067 Posts	The wife broke down in tears and really cried last night, telling me she was going to kill herself if i didn't stop getting drunk and continually beating her . You know what, it seriously made me think. That i`m almost going to miss her. __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

September 30th, 2013, 01:01 PM	#32
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,111 Thanks: 449,680 Thanked 896,750 Times in 60,308 Posts	A mate pissed me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he used it. Three months later... my Mom's pregnant. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

September 30th, 2013, 04:46 PM	#33
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,513 Times in 69,067 Posts	Hey CALM DOWN fellow members, what part of " ALL to hell" didn`t you understand ?. How is it right that gay men can marry each other now , yet i'm not legally allowed to marry my own girlfriend !. Just because she's only ten years old ?. Looks like we'll have to make do with a "Savile" partnership then. __________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

September 30th, 2013, 06:02 PM	#35
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,901 Times in 10,563 Posts	Am I going to Hull? Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt. What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40. What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver. What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls. Why was Elton John invited to Diana's memorial? So that at least one old queen would cry. __________________

September 30th, 2013, 06:13 PM	#37
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,901 Times in 10,563 Posts	Austrian nonce Josef Fritzl is writing a new book. People are doubting though whether it will be a best cellar. Why is Elizabeth Fritzl looking forward to Christmas this year? Because for once her presents aren't going to come from Daddy's sack... Josef Fritzl has divorced his wife of 55 years because she has never visited him in prison. That's terrible. He went to see his daughter every day when she was locked up. What's the definition of confusion? Mothers day in the Fritzl household. __________________

September 30th, 2013, 05:38 PM	#34
ManofKent Vintage Member Join Date: May 2013 Location: U.K Posts: 1,130 Thanks: 10,125 Thanked 13,832 Times in 1,113 Posts	Princess Diana walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The barman says "Certainly. Will Carling do?" (I would like to point out that I first heard this joke BEFORE 1997...)

October 1st, 2013, 03:07 AM	#38
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,901 Times in 10,563 Posts	I really wish everyone would just get off George Michael's back. The warden says it's my turn now. What does a Wellington boot and George Michael have in common? They both get sucked off in the bog. What's white and slides down toilet walls? George Michael's latest release. George Michael has been banned from his local pub today for having a sneaky fag in the gents. George Michael has just released his new single 'I've Dropped The Soap.' He's had an surprise entry into the number 2 slot. George Michael was recently spotted holidaying in China. Apparently, it's his idea of heaven: everytime you turn around, there's a Wang in your face. Anyone notice an anagram of George Michael is He come, I gargle! It has been proposed by his family that George Michael should be offered protection in prison. The police guards issued him a pair of knee pads earlier this morning. Locking George Michael up in prison is like being caught cheating on your wife and being sent to a Whore house as punishment. George Michael has cancelled the Australian leg of his world tour. Strange. I thought he'd be looking forward to being in Sydney. __________________

October 1st, 2013, 01:37 PM	#40
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,111 Thanks: 449,680 Thanked 896,750 Times in 60,308 Posts	I can't think of anything more horrible than after a night of hard partying and drinking than waking up next to strange naked female, not being able to remember her name, or how you met, or why she's dead. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

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