Post your corny jokes - Page 1123

**SanteeFats** · July 5th, 2016, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jafad

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the fucking roof

If you are screwing on the roof maybe you need to just get a regular bed?

**trailmaster** · July 5th, 2016, 10:39 PM

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 15,000 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2052.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes Before installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2051

~~}[eywood~~ · July 6th, 2016, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosestone

I forgot to pick up my wife's epilepsy medicine from the pharmacy.

She's going to have a fit.

Yeah I had that happen once too. When my girl found out I forgot to pick up her diarrhea medicine she nearly shit herself

**jafad** · July 6th, 2016, 06:18 AM

My 4 year old grand daughter said to me today: "Poppy, I love Peppa Pig. Do you know what's the best thing about Peppa Pig?"

With hindsight, "Crackling" wasn't the best answer...

**bp666** · July 6th, 2016, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jafad

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the fucking roof

I forgot to refill my wife's paranoia medication. She went off her rocker.

**trailmaster** · July 6th, 2016, 11:21 AM

A female journalist heard about a very old Jerusalem man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for along,long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, what's your name?" "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians,Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall"

**SanteeFats** · July 6th, 2016, 01:53 PM

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

**gedly** · July 6th, 2016, 06:57 PM

I once had a girlfriend who giggled every sixty seconds. Now she was a laugh a minute.

~~}[eywood~~ · July 6th, 2016, 07:17 PM

_______/\_____\o/______ --HELP! SHARK!!

Bill derBerg · July 6th, 2016, 11:39 PM

My first divorce was caused because I misspoke.

I meant to say "My love you are all class".
But it came out "You're ruining my life you lousy bitch!"

July 5th, 2016, 10:39 PM	#11222
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,895 Thanks: 1,328,998 Thanked 707,204 Times in 60,069 Posts	Possible Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2050 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 15,000 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2052. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes Before installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2051

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July 6th, 2016, 06:18 AM	#11224
jafad Vintage Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 547 Thanks: 740 Thanked 10,278 Times in 547 Posts	My 4 year old grand daughter said to me today: "Poppy, I love Peppa Pig. Do you know what's the best thing about Peppa Pig?" With hindsight, "Crackling" wasn't the best answer...

July 6th, 2016, 11:21 AM	#11226
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,895 Thanks: 1,328,998 Thanked 707,204 Times in 60,069 Posts	A female journalist heard about a very old Jerusalem man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for along,long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, what's your name?" "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians,Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall"

July 6th, 2016, 01:53 PM	#11227
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,826 Times in 60,861 Posts	Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

July 6th, 2016, 06:57 PM	#11228
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,309 Times in 3,171 Posts	I once had a girlfriend who giggled every sixty seconds. Now she was a laugh a minute.

July 6th, 2016, 07:17 PM	#11229
~~}[eywood~~ Banned! Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: NY Posts: 548 Thanks: 123 Thanked 3,505 Times in 511 Posts	_______/\_____\o/______ --HELP! SHARK!!

July 6th, 2016, 11:39 PM	#11230
Bill derBerg Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2016 Location: My own little reality. Posts: 1,257 Thanks: 17,648 Thanked 18,325 Times in 1,256 Posts	My first divorce was caused because I misspoke. I meant to say "My love you are all class". But it came out "You're ruining my life you lousy bitch!"