Post your corny jokes - Page 853

**Mal Hombre** · September 7th, 2014, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeff Vader

How many Germans does it take to change a lighbulb?

One, they're efficient and they aren't very funny.

How many North Koreans does it take to fix a light bulb?
None,The Dear Leader has invented ever lasting bulbs..

**Jonno71** · September 7th, 2014, 03:36 PM

That saying is true; "you learn by your mistakes". Tonight I did when I went to a 1960s themed karaoke night and sang the one hit wonder by Los Bravos. The opening lyric isn't "black is black, I want my country back" like I sang.

**seany65** · September 7th, 2014, 04:23 PM

Posted by Herbie at C-Pix:

Just to let you know that a popular uk hot snack is now available in north korea as a vegetarian option....... its called " Not Poodle".

Posted by X-Ray at C-Pix;

I heard the inventor of the USB connector died recently. The burial ceremony was a little awkward because the coffin was lowered into the grave but then it had to be pulled back up and flipped over before it would fit correctly.

**Jeff Vader** · September 8th, 2014, 12:22 PM

A girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!"

I replied, "I think crucifixion's a bit harsh."

**Jonno71** · September 8th, 2014, 12:41 PM

While out on a stag night with my mates, we went into this club. After pissing it up for a few hours in there, we saw this woman get up and approach us. Suddenly she hitched up her dress and started twerking, giving us all she had. All the lads were cheering her on and I didn’t know where to look. Shame it turned out to be my 85 year old gran.

**gedly** · September 8th, 2014, 01:46 PM

I can still see the look on my ex-wife's face while having sex. Especially the one when I found her in bed with a bloke from work.

**Jeff Vader** · September 8th, 2014, 02:06 PM

I like to whistle while I work.

That's probably why everyone hates my pirate DVDs.

**tenfan** · September 8th, 2014, 09:46 PM

The Cat:

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night.
So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked!
I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! ..........She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

**photoflex** · September 8th, 2014, 10:08 PM

This Jack the Ripper solution must be making all those 160 year
old murderers who thought they'd got away with it pretty nervous.

**Jeff Vader** · September 8th, 2014, 11:12 PM

I see that Poundland are going to start selling Pregnancy Tests.

For fuck's sake!

If you have to buy your Pregnancy Test from Poundland, it's probably because you bought your condoms there as well.

September 7th, 2014, 04:23 PM	#8523
seany65 Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 3,652 Thanks: 80,476 Thanked 32,741 Times in 3,528 Posts	Posted by Herbie at C-Pix: Just to let you know that a popular uk hot snack is now available in north korea as a vegetarian option....... its called " Not Poodle". Posted by X-Ray at C-Pix; I heard the inventor of the USB connector died recently. The burial ceremony was a little awkward because the coffin was lowered into the grave but then it had to be pulled back up and flipped over before it would fit correctly. __________________ <-- That's Emer Kenny and I want to be stuck in her front bottom. Quote from electrofreak : I'd rather have questions that can't be answered, than answers that can't be questioned.

September 8th, 2014, 12:22 PM	#8524
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	A girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!" I replied, "I think crucifixion's a bit harsh." __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

September 8th, 2014, 02:06 PM	#8527
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	I like to whistle while I work. That's probably why everyone hates my pirate DVDs. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :

September 8th, 2014, 09:46 PM	#8528
tenfan Vintage Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 2,481 Thanks: 14,612 Thanked 43,520 Times in 2,098 Posts	The Cat: We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theatre evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! ..........She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the taxi was deafening. __________________ I spent the first half of my adult life drinking beer and chasing women. The rest has been pretty much of a waste.

September 8th, 2014, 10:08 PM	#8529
photoflex Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Location: Location Posts: 3,583 Thanks: 37,927 Thanked 127,800 Times in 3,570 Posts	This Jack the Ripper solution must be making all those 160 year old murderers who thought they'd got away with it pretty nervous. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I love your thanks, but please thank the original posters first.

September 7th, 2014, 03:36 PM	#8522
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,961 Times in 1,503 Posts	That saying is true; "you learn by your mistakes". Tonight I did when I went to a 1960s themed karaoke night and sang the one hit wonder by Los Bravos. The opening lyric isn't "black is black, I want my country back" like I sang.

September 8th, 2014, 12:41 PM	#8525
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,961 Times in 1,503 Posts	While out on a stag night with my mates, we went into this club. After pissing it up for a few hours in there, we saw this woman get up and approach us. Suddenly she hitched up her dress and started twerking, giving us all she had. All the lads were cheering her on and I didn’t know where to look. Shame it turned out to be my 85 year old gran.

September 8th, 2014, 01:46 PM	#8526
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,886 Thanked 69,321 Times in 3,171 Posts	I can still see the look on my ex-wife's face while having sex. Especially the one when I found her in bed with a bloke from work.

September 8th, 2014, 11:12 PM	#8530
Jeff Vader Moderator (Retired) Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cheam AKA the land of Cheese and Canals Posts: 6,352 Thanks: 156,898 Thanked 140,021 Times in 6,511 Posts	I see that Poundland are going to start selling Pregnancy Tests. For fuck's sake! If you have to buy your Pregnancy Test from Poundland, it's probably because you bought your condoms there as well. __________________ Please read the To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Model ID To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. :