Post your corny jokes - Page 1159

**trailmaster** · October 1st, 2016, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isegrim

Not to recommend for people of civilized nations that have meanwhile learned to use the metric system ...

The metric system is a burden. Such as converting feet to centimeters, or liters to gallons ( for gasoline ). In America the non-metric system will continue to be used by everyone in normal conversation. Only when studying various physical sciences is the metric system absolutely necessary.

**Staffsyeoman** · October 1st, 2016, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigDog44

Keeping the Wigan theme going, and again one a lot of people won't get (you need to understand the Wigan accent)
What time is it in Wigan when theres a pie next to the clock..... Summat ta eight.

Actually, that works in Black Country, too.

The Black Country, where the only declension of the verb "to be" is the first person singular: (I heard this once. ..)
"We'eem gooin tuthe pittures, we am. . He'em cummin. Yow'm cummin, am ya?"

**trailmaster** · October 1st, 2016, 01:12 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically,it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

**gedly** · October 1st, 2016, 07:51 PM

When signing a contract with Satan, always read the small print. Remember, the Devil is in the detail.

**maildude** · October 1st, 2016, 08:01 PM

Slow Response

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch.
He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was THAT all about?"

leegreeneight · October 2nd, 2016, 09:23 AM

I fell asleep at a party once and someone put a teabag in my mouth When I woke up I went mental No one makes a mug outta me

**bp666** · October 2nd, 2016, 10:10 AM

Dieting is just wishful shrinking.

**SanteeFats** · October 2nd, 2016, 02:17 PM

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

**trailmaster** · October 2nd, 2016, 03:12 PM

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, " Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please, "says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here", says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it come in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."

**trailmaster** · October 3rd, 2016, 01:15 PM

Two priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first priest, "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest replies, " No son, you're not!" So he says to the second, " I'am Jesus Christ. He says, " No son, you're not." The drunk says, " Look I can prove it." He takes the two priests into a bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Student: "Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a race horse today, I called him My Face.
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting,
"Come on My Face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts whenever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me"
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, " You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so, "he says. " Your finger is broken."

October 1st, 2016, 08:01 PM	#11585
maildude Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: In postal purgatory Posts: 760 Thanks: 1,162 Thanked 14,111 Times in 748 Posts	Slow Response A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street. A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch. The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was THAT all about?" __________________ LET FREEDOM WAIT

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October 1st, 2016, 01:12 PM	#11583
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,164 Times in 60,062 Posts	Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically,it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

October 1st, 2016, 07:51 PM	#11584
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,879 Thanked 69,305 Times in 3,171 Posts	When signing a contract with Satan, always read the small print. Remember, the Devil is in the detail.

October 2nd, 2016, 09:23 AM	#11586
leegreeneight Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 39 Thanks: 4,047 Thanked 433 Times in 39 Posts	I fell asleep at a party once and someone put a teabag in my mouth When I woke up I went mental No one makes a mug outta me

October 2nd, 2016, 10:10 AM	#11587
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,073 Thanks: 77,520 Thanked 14,183 Times in 1,074 Posts	Dieting is just wishful shrinking.

October 2nd, 2016, 02:17 PM	#11588
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,813 Thanks: 281,805 Thanked 813,742 Times in 60,857 Posts	A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!" Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

October 2nd, 2016, 03:12 PM	#11589
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,164 Times in 60,062 Posts	The chemist looks at the blonde and says, " Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please, "says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here", says the blonde. "Do you have the container it come in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

October 3rd, 2016, 01:15 PM	#11590
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,888 Thanks: 1,328,972 Thanked 707,164 Times in 60,062 Posts	Two priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first priest, "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest replies, " No son, you're not!" So he says to the second, " I'am Jesus Christ. He says, " No son, you're not." The drunk says, " Look I can prove it." He takes the two priests into a bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Student: "Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought a race horse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts whenever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me" She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, " You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so, "he says. " Your finger is broken."