Post your corny jokes - Page 1420

**Baresfan** · January 17th, 2019, 12:28 AM

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar, but he was holding his head up high. His hands were a little shaky, as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender."I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I flew F-4 Phantoms out of Cam Ranh Bay during Vietnam. I learned to play the piano at the Officers' Club during my down time, so here I am.”

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy. But it had been quite a while since he had a piano player, and business was falling off. So, he figured, why not give him a try? A few patrons snickered, as the old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano. But by the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender handed the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Panties, Baby, It's Balls To The Wall Tonight" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he added "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player quickly went into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the whole place jumping. After he finished, the old pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Honey, Your Boobs Are Adding Fuel to My Afterburner."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song, and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread Those Legs, Honey, I'm on Final with My Gear Extended". Then he excused himself and headed for the restroom. When he came out, the bartender went over to him and said, "Great work, fly boy, the job is yours. But do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!

**seldomseen** · January 17th, 2019, 12:50 AM

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

**trailmaster** · January 17th, 2019, 01:03 PM

A lady goes to her doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put the pill in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The drug company will be glad to pay for any of the damages." "Nah" she says, "that's ok, We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

**seldomseen** · January 17th, 2019, 03:49 PM

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!

Aaron · January 17th, 2019, 06:54 PM

A horse walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse shrugs. "My job's crap. My wife doesn't understand me. It feels like my life is going nowhere, fast."

The bartender shouts to the room, "Hey! Look! It's a talking horse!"

**seldomseen** · January 18th, 2019, 01:52 AM

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up like an altar boy.

**trailmaster** · January 18th, 2019, 12:53 PM

A shy but handsome fellow is sitting at a club, sipping a cocktail, and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he finally heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, hi, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turns in unison and stares at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 dollars an hour!!"

**mrfixit** · January 20th, 2019, 12:45 AM

Nittanylionfan · January 20th, 2019, 03:57 AM

A backwoods, West Virginia farmer enters a pharmacy and approaches the counter. He asks the man behind the counter, "where do you have your condoms located?" The pharmacist looks at farmer, "let me show you." The pharmacist takes the farmer to where the condoms are displayed and proceeds back to his work. Suddenly, that is a loud cry from that aisle. "Could I get some help?" the farmer screams. The pharmacist rushes to that aisle, irritated by the commotion. "What is the problem?" the pharmacist asks. I can't find them. Can't find them, the pharmacist asks quizzically. Condoms with pesticide, says the farmer. You mean spermicide. All the condoms we carry use only spermicide. No, that's not what I said. I asked if you carry condoms with pesticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I want to kill it.

January 15th, 2019, 11:38 PM	#14191
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,867 Thanked 114,838 Times in 9,416 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

January 17th, 2019, 12:50 AM	#14193
seldomseen Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 38,203 Thanks: 127,400 Thanked 712,062 Times in 38,112 Posts	Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Don't pay her. __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------- Some hae meat, and canna eat.

January 17th, 2019, 03:49 PM	#14195
seldomseen Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 38,203 Thanks: 127,400 Thanked 712,062 Times in 38,112 Posts	Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it! __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------- Some hae meat, and canna eat.

January 18th, 2019, 01:52 AM	#14197
seldomseen Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 38,203 Thanks: 127,400 Thanked 712,062 Times in 38,112 Posts	Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up like an altar boy. __________________ -------------------------------------------------------------- Some hae meat, and canna eat.

January 20th, 2019, 12:45 AM	#14199
mrfixit Vintage Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Elm Street Posts: 9,401 Thanks: 165,867 Thanked 114,838 Times in 9,416 Posts	__________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Where's my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

January 17th, 2019, 12:28 AM	#14192
Baresfan Vintage Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 1,060 Thanks: 2,313 Thanked 14,183 Times in 1,013 Posts	A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar, but he was holding his head up high. His hands were a little shaky, as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender."I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I flew F-4 Phantoms out of Cam Ranh Bay during Vietnam. I learned to play the piano at the Officers' Club during my down time, so here I am.” The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy. But it had been quite a while since he had a piano player, and business was falling off. So, he figured, why not give him a try? A few patrons snickered, as the old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano. But by the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender handed the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Panties, Baby, It's Balls To The Wall Tonight" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he added "I wrote it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player quickly went into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the whole place jumping. After he finished, the old pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Honey, Your Boobs Are Adding Fuel to My Afterburner." He then launched into another mesmerizing song, and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread Those Legs, Honey, I'm on Final with My Gear Extended". Then he excused himself and headed for the restroom. When he came out, the bartender went over to him and said, "Great work, fly boy, the job is yours. But do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out? "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!

January 17th, 2019, 01:03 PM	#14194
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,905 Thanks: 1,329,115 Thanked 707,331 Times in 60,079 Posts	A lady goes to her doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put the pill in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The drug company will be glad to pay for any of the damages." "Nah" she says, "that's ok, We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

January 17th, 2019, 06:54 PM	#14196
Aaron Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: U.S. of A. Posts: 206 Thanks: 6,639 Thanked 2,740 Times in 201 Posts	A horse walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse shrugs. "My job's crap. My wife doesn't understand me. It feels like my life is going nowhere, fast." The bartender shouts to the room, "Hey! Look! It's a talking horse!"

January 18th, 2019, 12:53 PM	#14198
trailmaster Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA Posts: 59,905 Thanks: 1,329,115 Thanked 707,331 Times in 60,079 Posts	A shy but handsome fellow is sitting at a club, sipping a cocktail, and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he finally heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, hi, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turns in unison and stares at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 dollars an hour!!"

January 20th, 2019, 03:57 AM	#14200
Nittanylionfan Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Philadelphia, PA Posts: 67 Thanks: 79 Thanked 397 Times in 43 Posts	A backwoods, West Virginia farmer enters a pharmacy and approaches the counter. He asks the man behind the counter, "where do you have your condoms located?" The pharmacist looks at farmer, "let me show you." The pharmacist takes the farmer to where the condoms are displayed and proceeds back to his work. Suddenly, that is a loud cry from that aisle. "Could I get some help?" the farmer screams. The pharmacist rushes to that aisle, irritated by the commotion. "What is the problem?" the pharmacist asks. I can't find them. Can't find them, the pharmacist asks quizzically. Condoms with pesticide, says the farmer. You mean spermicide. All the condoms we carry use only spermicide. No, that's not what I said. I asked if you carry condoms with pesticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I want to kill it. __________________ We are Penn State!