warning stupidity

[iufrenchman]

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.
Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume
Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap
Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

[iufrenchman]

Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery
Blanket from Taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death.
Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.
Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!
Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

[mrfixit]

On heart medication patch: Remove old patch before applying new one.
On a childrens toy: Replace old batteries with new ones.
Pet hair trimmers: Not tested on animals.(How do they know it works on pet hair?)

[mrfixit]

On a drill: Do not opperate drill while tightening the chuck.
: Do not use drill under water. (Darwin at work)
: Coution drill bits may be hot after use. (duh)

Seat massager: Do not use in bath. (Darwin again)
: Do not use if the electrical plug is missing. (???)

[ErnestoGuevara]

A kettle was removed from the office I used to work in and reappeared two hours later with a sticker that read:

Caution! The water may be very hot.

Kettle. Water. Aw, get away with you.

[mrfixit]

I bought a windo fan a few days ago and in the warning section of the instructions it said "not to be used in a windo" (???)

[tygrkhat40]

I worked at a restaurant and one of our food processors said on the bundt-cake top, "Do not remove blade with top in place."

[Emnky]

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

More Exchanges between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers
»Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget


The following letter was written by a retired Qantas pilot to his former colleagues:

Dear All,

Please find enclosed a home study simulator course [HSSC] for those of you who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline travel.

If you follow all the steps in this HSSC you will experience that 'Romance and Adventure.'

1] Do not go to bed

2] Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, preferably in a cupboard, for 9 or 10 hours facing a 4 foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck

3] Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist

4] Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying eastbound into the sunrise

5] Have bland overcooked food served on a tray halfway through the night

6] Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time, and ask your spouse to slam the door frequently

7] At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, teasing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.

8] Leave the cupboard after the prescribed nine or ten hours and turn on your sprinklers in the garden and stand out in the cold and "rain", for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car

9] Head for your bedroom, wet through and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room

10] When your spouse inquires, 'Just what in the hell have you been doing?' just say, 'Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.' as you collapse into bed

11] If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, so do this two nights in a row. Above all 'Enjoy Yourselves.'

Regards.......................Jim Retired.

[Emnky]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make
mental note?must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg
cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure
that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the
toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second
towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up
any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend
an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:



1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife
along the way, shake wiener at her making the
"woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck
in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the
size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your
ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't
use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water
just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the
shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates
and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in
the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to
notice water on the floor because you left the curtain
hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your
waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound
again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to
get dressed again

[mrfixit]

I bought my sister a computer for christmas and looked at the info that came with it.In the warning section it states "not to be used in the shower". (???)

computer + water = a nasty shock that will kill you.