Letters to Viz

[Pedro101]

Gain the benefits of night driving in daylight by painting your windscreen black.

Hugh Jarse, Penkridge

[haymarket]

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Bert Scroggins, email.

[girlyjulia]

When looking over the garden fence the other day, I was surprised to see a small kangaroo. Imagine my embarrassment when I realised it was merely my neighbour's greyhound having a shit.

[haymarket]

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

Olga Game, Wimbledon

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and they'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

John Thomas, Prestatyn

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.

B King, Windsor

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

J Noakes, Shep

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

M Proops, London

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.

Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

D Mail, London

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

A Scally, Liverpool

Jeanette Krankie been on board the Titanic she would have been the safest passenger on the ship. When they manned the lifeboats and the cry went out for "women and children first" she would have qualified under both categories.

Edward Semi, Norwich

What a lot of nonsense this tantric sex is. So Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. That's nothing. I've been banging my missus for forty years and she's not had an orgasm yet.

P Collins, Colchester

[haymarket]

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers.
This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'.
I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes.
I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organize some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all.
Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalized in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.'
Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it',
I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money.
If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective.
In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate.
At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics?
One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.'
I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter

[haymarket]

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action.
Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Bert Scroggins, Prescot

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job.
I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

Why don’t NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'.
Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
B Obvious, Wormwood

How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan.
In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.
J Boxbury, Norfolk

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India.
I'm so excited!
I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner, Norwich

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy.
Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
R. Sole, Barnsley

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'.
Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw.
No wonder the banks are raking it in.
Gary Beergut, Newcastle

[nickyboy1963]

While I was shaving the other day, my wife said: You know, you look exactly like the singer with Genesis. I had to laugh. Because it was true.
Phil Collins, Surrey.

[bryanbraddock]

I can remember a couple of these from the mid-late 90's:

"I always enjoy it when after a film star dies they always show a season
of their films on TV as a tribute. I hope Clint Eastwood dies next he's great."

"To the corrispondent in this issue who wondered if Diane Keen ever did a topless scene in a movie, I can confirm she got them out for the lads in the movie version of The Sweeney. Alas they were nothing to write home about"

"Ladies,it can be a hassle when you get married to have to change your maiden name on all of your official documents. Illiminate that by simply marrying someone who has the same surname as you.
For instance Julie Christie should marry Linford Christie. that way she wouldnt have to change her name AND she would have a husband with a huge cock."

[Gin&Tonic]

Could anyone tell me why so many farmers choose to put the gate to their field at the most muddiest, bumpiest part? Surely it would be more sensible to position the gate about 10 feet further along the hedge?
P. Niss
Scunthorpe.

[Gin&Tonic]

My local butchers shop is so clean that you could eat a raw sausage directly out of the butchers pocket. I know this is true because I spotted my wife doing exactly that in the back of his shop the other day and she seems to have suffered no ill effects.
I. B. Phukked.
Grimsby.