Post your corny jokes

[slisse]

I was teaching my 4 year old granddaughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked, "Single click or double click?"

[P37]

Getting Married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Wedding list."

[photoflex]

Animal Crackers, Monkey Business, A Night at the Opera, A Day at the Races, At the Circus and many more, were great movies.
But I just read 'Das kapital', and I can see why that made it never to the big screen!

[electile disfunction]

Originally Posted by photoflex

Animal Crackers, Monkey Business, A Night at the Opera, A Day at the Races, At the Circus and many more, were great movies.
But I just read 'Das kapital', and I can see why that made it never to the big screen!

But always remember ... never judge a book by its movie!

e.d.

[skye22]

A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"

He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what
I want?"

And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and
starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?"
And he says, "Yeah - you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

[skye22]

Two redneck farmers, Dave and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Dave turns to Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.'

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.


The next day, Dave goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Dave says. 'What's that?'

The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think

logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual. '

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater. '

Excited to take the class now, Dave shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bob says, 'What's that?'

Dave says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're gay.

[Jeff Vader]

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off?"
"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

[slisse]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long .....easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Steve."

[slisse]

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends.

But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back , Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then...?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

[slisse]

This lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane.

She knew she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"

Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"