January 23rd, 2009, 06:26 PM | #61 |
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Following Instructions for Dummies
Following Instructions for Dummies This book is a true classic, filled with useful tips, and instructions. Like.
I am not perfect, but I got the walking on frozen water down pretty well.
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January 24th, 2009, 03:47 PM | #62 |
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A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
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January 24th, 2009, 03:47 PM | #63 |
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A man went to the dentist's, his wife by his side. When they arrived at the office, he told her to sit in the waiting room: "I'll only be a few minutes", he assured her.
So the guy goes in, and says to the dentist, "How much will it cost if you administer the nitrous oxide, and pull the tooth?" The dentist replies, "That would be 75 dollars." The guy winces, and says, "Oh, that's far too expensive. How 'bout if you use that novocaine, and go in and pull that tooth?" The dentist says, "25 dollars." "That's a little better," says the guy, "but still more than I want to pay. How 'bout if you just take them pliers, and just go right in and pull the tooth?" "Five dollars", comes the dentist's reply. "That's fine", says the man, "We'll do it that way." He gets up from the chair, opens the door to the waiting room, and says to his wife, "Come on in, honey, the dentist is ready for you!"
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January 24th, 2009, 03:48 PM | #64 |
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A Pittsburgh Steelers fan is drinking in a Cleveland bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Pittsburgh baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Steelers fan just shrugs and replies: "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Pittsburgh baby boy." "He's gonna be a Pittsburgh Steelers football player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says: "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Pittsburgh baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks." "So, how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Steelers fan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says: "HAD HIM CIRCUMCISED!!!."
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January 24th, 2009, 03:48 PM | #65 |
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A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and" "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately." "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." The policeman having had enough says "Sir, I can do better than that." He then opens the car door, drags the rude motorist out, and proceeds to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
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January 24th, 2009, 03:49 PM | #66 |
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Driving to work this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
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January 24th, 2009, 04:12 PM | #67 | |
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January 25th, 2009, 04:23 PM | #68 |
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Do you pick up female hitchhikers
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January 26th, 2009, 07:29 PM | #69 |
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"Tell me," said the personnel director of a large corporation, "are you an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied. "Let me tell you something. My father lent me ten thousand dollars for my education, and I paid him back in full after my first case." "I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?" The attorney squirmed slightly. "He sued me for the money."
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January 26th, 2009, 07:30 PM | #70 |
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Q: Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean?
A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start. Q: What is the first thing you should do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement? A: Get more cement. Q: Who invented copper wire? A: Two lawyers fighting over the last penny.
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