Post your corny jokes

[Estreeter]

Originally Posted by trip

Somehow, I knew you were going to say that..........






I was going to the clairvoyance meeting,
but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

[far_cue]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************** *********************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************** *********************

A woman is standing n ude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first...

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started....

[Trip]

Originally Posted by Estreeter

he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper...
You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers,
then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Man that guy got taken, rolled, ripped-off, burned......












I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

[Estreeter]

Originally Posted by trip

Man that guy got taken, rolled, ripped-off, burned......

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

I think this is the same dude that went to the toilet

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[Trip]

Originally Posted by Estreeter

I think this is the same dude that went to the toilet

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

He picked the wrong kitty-cat.












It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

[Estreeter]

Originally Posted by trip

He picked the wrong kitty-cat.

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

Speaking of cats, here is a dog joke


There were three horny dogs ,A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha.

A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"

[motte]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[motte]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[motte]

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

[jonny99]

Did you hear about the old fella who streaked through the church?They caught him by the organ!