Twisted sick jokes that`ll send us ALL to hell. - Page 71

**DonnyJoe** · October 21st, 2015, 02:26 PM

The worst thing about dating a Japanese girl is when you break up with her
you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

**SanteeFats** · October 21st, 2015, 03:06 PM

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

**SanteeFats** · October 22nd, 2015, 02:56 PM

Two men work in a mortuary. One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today. She'd been in the water for a week. Her clit was like a pickle."
"Ew!" says the other fellow. "It was green?"
"No, it was sour!"

While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes. "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them. Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

**Doodlebugged** · October 22nd, 2015, 03:58 PM

**SanteeFats** · October 23rd, 2015, 03:29 PM

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was getting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.

Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
A: The taste

**DonnyJoe** · October 23rd, 2015, 05:08 PM

What's the difference between spit and swallow?

A few pounds of force on the back of her head.

**sweatyhat** · October 23rd, 2015, 08:53 PM

What do you do if a child's choking?
Pull out.

Anyone else noticed how it's impossible to scratch your anus and not have a quick sniff of your fingers afterwards?

I pulled out three teeth today. I was about to pull out a fourth but the old bitch surrendered and gave me her PIN.

Credit to OPs

**SanteeFats** · October 24th, 2015, 02:40 PM

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says, "Let me tell you a story... One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse." Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, "Now drop your pants." Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, "Now s**t." Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I s**t. Then he says, "Now eat it." Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, "Drop your pants." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say, "Now s**t." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He s**ts. Then I say, "Now eat it." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

Estreeter · October 24th, 2015, 03:27 PM

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of ( Something Anglican ) parochial school in an advanced state of shock.

"Father!" she cried out, "just wait till you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell us what has you so excited?"

"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the elder students wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, Sister Mary, very serious!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was the thing they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest up the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

"How much did you win?"

**SanteeFats** · October 25th, 2015, 12:56 PM

Do you know what would be sick?
If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner.
Do you know what would be even worse?
If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them. Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?" Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each." B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!" Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?
A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.

October 21st, 2015, 02:26 PM	#701
DonnyJoe Vintage Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Northern Plains U.S.A. Posts: 223 Thanks: 6,811 Thanked 13,106 Times in 416 Posts	The worst thing about dating a Japanese girl is when you break up with her you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it. __________________ Where Ever You Go...There You Are!

October 22nd, 2015, 03:58 PM	#704
Doodlebugged Vintage Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London Posts: 827 Thanks: 13,177 Thanked 13,808 Times in 778 Posts	__________________ Keeping the British end up. One stroke at a time. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 23rd, 2015, 05:08 PM	#706
DonnyJoe Vintage Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Northern Plains U.S.A. Posts: 223 Thanks: 6,811 Thanked 13,106 Times in 416 Posts	What's the difference between spit and swallow? A few pounds of force on the back of her head. __________________ Where Ever You Go...There You Are!

October 23rd, 2015, 08:53 PM	#707
sweatyhat Woodwose Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: In the mud and rain Posts: 10,869 Thanks: 97,859 Thanked 187,919 Times in 10,563 Posts	What do you do if a child's choking? Pull out. Anyone else noticed how it's impossible to scratch your anus and not have a quick sniff of your fingers afterwards? I pulled out three teeth today. I was about to pull out a fourth but the old bitch surrendered and gave me her PIN. Credit to OPs __________________

October 24th, 2015, 03:27 PM	#709
Estreeter *Administrator* Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The 19th hole Posts: 58,145 Thanks: 449,888 Thanked 897,027 Times in 60,347 Posts	Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of ( Something Anglican ) parochial school in an advanced state of shock. "Father!" she cried out, "just wait till you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell us what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the elder students wagering money!" "A serious infraction, Sister Mary, very serious!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was the thing they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest up the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the ceiling, father." "How much did you win?" __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

October 21st, 2015, 03:06 PM	#702
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,848 Thanks: 281,902 Thanked 814,096 Times in 60,888 Posts	Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her." Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

October 22nd, 2015, 02:56 PM	#703
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,848 Thanks: 281,902 Thanked 814,096 Times in 60,888 Posts	Two men work in a mortuary. One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today. She'd been in the water for a week. Her clit was like a pickle." "Ew!" says the other fellow. "It was green?" "No, it was sour!" While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes. "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them. Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

October 23rd, 2015, 03:29 PM	#705
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,848 Thanks: 281,902 Thanked 814,096 Times in 60,888 Posts	Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was getting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her. Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste

October 24th, 2015, 02:40 PM	#708
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,848 Thanks: 281,902 Thanked 814,096 Times in 60,888 Posts	Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks. A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says, "Let me tell you a story... One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse." Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, "Now drop your pants." Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, "Now st." Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I st. Then he says, "Now eat it." Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, "Drop your pants." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say, "Now st." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He sts. Then I say, "Now eat it." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

October 25th, 2015, 12:56 PM	#710
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,848 Thanks: 281,902 Thanked 814,096 Times in 60,888 Posts	Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner. Do you know what would be even worse? If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap. Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them. Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?" Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each." B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!" Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others." Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark? A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.