Post your corny jokes - Page 831

**Jonno71** · July 28th, 2014, 09:52 AM

Not having much luck this week, even though me and the wife won £48million on the lottery. I sent her out to double check the ticket at the shop, then moments later she text me to say her mother rang her in an emergency so she had to go to her moms for a few days. Then I discovered that someone had broken into our home without causing any lock damage but managed to steal all my wife's cloths, travel case and passport. But at least my best mate Big “Dick” Dave is having better luck than me after he sent a text saying he went on holiday the day after I won the lottery and hooked up with some blonde big titted millionairess.

**Threadbanger** · July 28th, 2014, 01:21 PM

A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican and bumps into the Pope who turns around and says "What are you doing here?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me."

**Threadbanger** · July 28th, 2014, 05:49 PM

And for those who are really sad:

A hydrogen atoms walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I think I've lost an electron"
The bartender has a look and says "Are you sure?"
The hydrogen atom replies, "Yep, I'm positive."

**gmcbee** · July 29th, 2014, 09:23 AM

A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says "For you, no charge!"
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd figure the second guy would have ducked.
A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says "Hey, I'm in the wrong f$*&^ng joke!"

**Threadbanger** · July 29th, 2014, 01:11 PM

Shall I tell you the one about the famous Danish physicist?
Nah, that might be a bit of a Bohr . .

**tygrkhat40** · July 29th, 2014, 02:04 PM

If I had all the money I spent on porn...I'd spend it on better porn.

**gedly** · July 29th, 2014, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonno71

Not having much luck this week, even though me and the wife won £48million on the lottery. I sent her out to double check the ticket at the shop, then moments later she text me to say her mother rang her in an emergency so she had to go to her moms for a few days. Then I discovered that someone had broken into our home without causing any lock damage but managed to steal all my wife's cloths, travel case and passport. But at least my best mate Big “Dick” Dave is having better luck than me after he sent a text saying he went on holiday the day after I won the lottery and hooked up with some blonde big titted millionairess.

I phone my wife today, "Hello darling, I've just won the lottery. I'm at the airport".
"Oh wonderful. Where are we going?" she asks.
"Oh no, you're not coming with me"

**Threadbanger** · July 29th, 2014, 06:41 PM

An Englishman and an Irishman are having a drink in a pub. After a while the Englishman says "You know, I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber."
The Irishman asks him why and the Englishman replies "Because I checked under the bed and I found a tube of sealant"
A few days later they meet again and this time the Irishman says "I had a look too and I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
The English feller asks if he's sure and the Irishman says "Well, I looked under the bed and I found a jockey."

**Jonno71** · July 29th, 2014, 06:46 PM

I don’t know what takes longer for my wife to finish…

Getting ready, moaning or THAT stare.

**Jonno71** · July 29th, 2014, 11:02 PM

I was standing in the queue at the supermarket this morning when the woman in front of me started swearing, insulting, jeering, making obscene gestures at me. Then picking up and throwing around my items, criticizing, belittling me and being immature and very condescending. Enough was enough I thought and so I told her off.

“Excuse me, but can you just scan my items so I can bag them, pay for them and leave?”

July 29th, 2014, 02:04 PM	#8306
tygrkhat40 Long Suffering Bills Fan Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: The City of Good Neighbors Posts: 9,669 Thanks: 304,243 Thanked 152,528 Times in 9,629 Posts	If I had all the money I spent on porn...I'd spend it on better porn. __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

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July 28th, 2014, 09:52 AM	#8301
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	Not having much luck this week, even though me and the wife won £48million on the lottery. I sent her out to double check the ticket at the shop, then moments later she text me to say her mother rang her in an emergency so she had to go to her moms for a few days. Then I discovered that someone had broken into our home without causing any lock damage but managed to steal all my wife's cloths, travel case and passport. But at least my best mate Big “Dick” Dave is having better luck than me after he sent a text saying he went on holiday the day after I won the lottery and hooked up with some blonde big titted millionairess.

July 28th, 2014, 01:21 PM	#8302
Threadbanger Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: UK Posts: 539 Thanks: 552 Thanked 12,467 Times in 527 Posts	A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican and bumps into the Pope who turns around and says "What are you doing here?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me."

July 28th, 2014, 05:49 PM	#8303
Threadbanger Vintage Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: UK Posts: 539 Thanks: 552 Thanked 12,467 Times in 527 Posts	And for those who are really sad: A hydrogen atoms walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I think I've lost an electron" The bartender has a look and says "Are you sure?" The hydrogen atom replies, "Yep, I'm positive."

July 29th, 2014, 09:23 AM	#8304
gmcbee Vintage Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Clinging to the rim of a crater on the dark side of Uranus. Posts: 1,065 Thanks: 3,961 Thanked 11,051 Times in 1,042 Posts	A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says "For you, no charge!" A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?" Two guys walk into a bar. You'd figure the second guy would have ducked. A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says "Hey, I'm in the wrong f$*&^ng joke!"

July 29th, 2014, 06:46 PM	#8309
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	I don’t know what takes longer for my wife to finish… Getting ready, moaning or THAT stare.

July 29th, 2014, 11:02 PM	#8310
Jonno71 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Right here... Right now. Posts: 1,497 Thanks: 8,831 Thanked 75,959 Times in 1,503 Posts	I was standing in the queue at the supermarket this morning when the woman in front of me started swearing, insulting, jeering, making obscene gestures at me. Then picking up and throwing around my items, criticizing, belittling me and being immature and very condescending. Enough was enough I thought and so I told her off. “Excuse me, but can you just scan my items so I can bag them, pay for them and leave?”