Post your corny jokes - Page 1112

**bp666** · June 20th, 2016, 08:26 PM

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

**Mal Hombre** · June 20th, 2016, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronHerder

The title of my book will be "Never See a Proctologist First", because, you know, they have only one diagnostic test. Not sure what the book's content will be, though.

Whatever the content,It's sure to be well thumbed...

**SanteeFats** · June 20th, 2016, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronHerder

Apologies to SanteeFats for leaving him to post most of the non-book jokes.[/FONT][/B][/COLOR]

You must elucidate me on this. I are cornfused.

**gedly** · June 20th, 2016, 11:28 PM

How much do I hate questionnaires? On a scale of one to ten, I'd say eight.

**effCup** · June 21st, 2016, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SanteeFats

I are cornfused.

Bananas (in pyjamas?) to that.

**bp666** · June 21st, 2016, 09:57 AM

To paraphrase Stewart Francis:

"I dedicate this show to my Dad, who was a roofer, so...Dad, if you're up there..."

**bp666** · June 21st, 2016, 09:59 AM

I'm a man of my word, and that word is...unreliable.

**Silklover** · June 21st, 2016, 10:45 AM

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing
ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every
10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times
a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per
day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are
bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away
from the screaming and yelling.

They could
lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been
in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.

Actually,
the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too...
I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty
girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap
has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his
head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn
a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy
would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes
and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are
already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think
MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.
They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this
to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they
can read it.

**SanteeFats** · June 21st, 2016, 02:48 PM

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum?
A: A cocksucker.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

MaxJoker · June 21st, 2016, 03:38 PM

June 21st, 2016, 03:38 PM	#11120
MaxJoker Beloved Brother Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Cemetery Gardens_Arterial Blood Lane_Rampton Secure Unit_Extra Violent F Wing_Cell 19 Posts: 69,106 Thanks: 372,713 Thanked 987,580 Times in 69,067 Posts	__________________ My hypocrisy only goes so To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

June 20th, 2016, 08:26 PM	#11111
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,073 Thanks: 77,546 Thanked 14,184 Times in 1,074 Posts	A plateau is the highest form of flattery

June 20th, 2016, 11:28 PM	#11114
gedly Veteran Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 3,234 Thanks: 19,883 Thanked 69,318 Times in 3,171 Posts	How much do I hate questionnaires? On a scale of one to ten, I'd say eight.

June 21st, 2016, 09:57 AM	#11116
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,073 Thanks: 77,546 Thanked 14,184 Times in 1,074 Posts	To paraphrase Stewart Francis: "I dedicate this show to my Dad, who was a roofer, so...Dad, if you're up there..."

June 21st, 2016, 09:59 AM	#11117
bp666 Vintage Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,073 Thanks: 77,546 Thanked 14,184 Times in 1,074 Posts	I'm a man of my word, and that word is...unreliable.

June 21st, 2016, 10:45 AM	#11118
Silklover Vintage Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Next to you Posts: 1,253 Thanks: 17,262 Thanked 17,820 Times in 1,241 Posts	I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

June 21st, 2016, 02:48 PM	#11119
SanteeFats Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Santee, Ca Posts: 60,833 Thanks: 281,852 Thanked 814,018 Times in 60,881 Posts	Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum? A: A cocksucker. What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.