anyone dealt with a parent's prolonged illness? because I'm having difficulty coping

[Sirch]

Taken care of both of my parents until they passed away. Most of the good advice was already given.

I will add have a sense of humor. I don't mean this in a callous way. A care giver needs to lighten the mood. This puts sick ppl at ease. Especially those that tend to lash out angrily at caregivers. Smile and brush off any resistance or resentment the sick person may have regarding their care if they are acting superficial. Make the person you are caring for laugh or smile once a day. My best memories were making my sick mother laugh.

You also need to detach emotionally to the situation at hand as much as possible. Think of the way paramedics or nurses treat ppl. They can give great care but they don't let the misery drag them down emotionally. This dosent mean you don't care or love your loved ones. You can still feel empathy without dragging yourself down. You should not take constant abuse from the person you are caring for either.

Remember this is as hard on the caregiver as it is on the sick person. You need help. You need reinforcement. You need time off. You need friends who understand.

Millions are going through the same thing. And if we all live long enough we will go from being caregivers to needing caregivers.

[Sergeant D]

Hi Ultra, Hang in there, pray, talk to someone who has been there. My mother recently succumbed to brain cancer which tormented her for the past year and over the last 2 years had been dealing with the residual sickness from chemo and radiation from lung cancer treatments.

Here's some advice, visit them often, have a meal with them, comfort them, tell them you love them, call them whenever you can, find out if there is anything they need that they may have been letting go by the wayside because they are dealing with being sick. talk to them about fun times and make them laugh. meke them their favorite food or get them their favorite desert. Get lots of rest yourself, you can wind up worn out too.
Again, hang in there. The Lord does not put any weight that we can not handle on us and when it becomes too heavy just ask for help. (think ST Simon).

I pray for you, I also can be contacted by P.M. here if you need a shoulder.

[ultrawildcat]

for those who care,,and by the number of positive responses it seems alot of you really do, and thank you so much for that by the way, I went to see a shrink today...and man do I feel better. It didn't change the situation, but it sure feels like a load is off my shoulders.

[billybunter]

When my parents got divorced, I was the only one around. My Ma turned to booze (like me after a while) she drank herself to death. A horrible death. I shouldered the whole burden on my own while trying to run a tiny business. I cracked and ended up on a shrink ward
I got out, and my Ma was in the hospital. 8 weeks and a very slow painful death. In the end she couldn't smile anymore. It cut me into pieces. She died at Christmas 2005. The funeral was on new years eve.
To be honest I couldn't cope on my own. And being stubborn I just dealt with it.

My advise is seek help from your doctor, helplines, anything. Ask for help. I wish I had. It is not a sign of weakness. And cry when you need to, tears heal a lot of things.

BB

[heretic(666)]

Add the sum total of advice here togetherTry to find something you can use. It will be different for all of us. The coldest thing for me was my father looking at me and not knowing who I was. The odd thing was I got support from people I never really cared for and the people closest to me. or so I thought,were useless. Forget siff upper lip and soldiering on : take any help that is offered.

[donny1]

Again sorry to hear of your troubles Ultra, as with the great advice already being given humour is important and spending time with them but making time for yourself and not feeling guilt about it are all a must.

I had this with both my parents and as hard as it is, help is always at hand, in my expereince of it usually in places you would least expect to find it, as mentioned already take any help offered it really does help you and is nothing to be ashamed of its human nature.

As Billy says don't hord up your tears, sadly most of us have to deal with this in life, cry when you need to , your a human being my friend carrying it around will add to your load let it out.

Take care Ultra and a big hand for all the supportive and great advice on this thread

[hslc]

Oh yes been there, my dad was an invalid from the time I was 4, diead when I was 14. My mum rueined her health doing 3 jobs to make ends meet. I cared for her after dad diead . Did the fires(no central heating in those days) shooping, cleaning, washing as no one else did. Also now care as a lone parent for my 13 year old autistic son. My ladt his mum diead of cancer just afore his 2nd birthday. Life dose go on, it has to. Dont be hard on youreself if you feel stressed out, thats mormal. Pm me if you ever need to talk, and keep on keeping on. atb Dave.

[trailmaster]

I have to take care of my 94 year old mom. She can no longer drive, she has to use a walker, and she is very weak all the time. Much of my free time is spent taking her to her many doctor appointments. She has constant back pain including sciatica. She has chronic insomnia, and she has been hospitalized for various things three times for up to 6 weeks in just the last three years. Part of the problem is that she is very stubborn. She would not use a walker until she fell and broke three ribs, and shattered her left wrist which required 3 hours of bone surgery. It is very difficult and frustrating living with a stubborn old , and sick woman even if it is my Mom.

[sydbarrett]

Originally Posted by trailmaster

I have to take care of my 94 year old mom. She can no longer drive, she has to use a walker, and she is very weak all the time. Much of my free time is spent taking her to her many doctor appointments. She has constant back pain including sciatica. She has chronic insomnia, and she has been hospitalized for various things three times for up to 6 weeks in just the last three years. Part of the problem is that she is very stubborn. She would not use a walker until she fell and broke three ribs, and shattered her left wrist which required 3 hours of bone surgery. It is very difficult and frustrating living with a stubborn old , and sick woman even if it is my Mom.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, TrailMaster. That she has sciatica really sucks; I have it, as well, and the pain can be almost intolerable sometimes. I can manage it through keeping an eye on my posture, and not doing certain things that will exacerbate it, but that must be much harder for a 94 yo lady to do.


My mom is 80, and she is still doing pretty good, but she's been stricken with just about everything she could be hit with. I tell her that she should've been a baseball player because she can hit any curveball coming at her. Two years ago, she got the worst case of pneumonia the doctors at the hospital had ever seen, and if we didn't get her in there, they said she would've died in 24 hours. Since then, I do all her shopping for her, and try to take care of all her needs, big and small. Be proud of yourself for being a man, and a son, that is there for his mother.

[tygrkhat40]

I had to deal with my mother's slow decline after the death of my father. She slowly gave up everything except Friday night dinner at her favorite restaurant. When we took her car keys away, my sister or myself would drive her there (fortunately, it was only about a half a mile from the house), then someone at the restaurant would call me and I would go pick her up.

But even that got to much for her and she needed a walker, which took a bit of cajoling to get her to use. We got hospice care to help with mostly keeping mom clean. Getting mom to the toilet became a three-act play, needing me and my sister to get it done. The walker became to much for mom to use and we switched to a transport chair. Then one day we practically beat mom up trying to get her off the toilet and the hospice nurse had a catheter put in, which left her bedridden. At least twice a day, we had to clean mom up after a bowel movement.

About a year ago, I called my sister who lives out of state and told her what the situation was. She asked if she and her family should come. I said that it wasn't urgent but come soon. They came that weekend. When we were all together, mom saw we were all OK and she died about three weeks later.

I know that compared to other stories I've heard, I had it relatively easy. But watching a loved one slowly decline isn't easy in any way.

Let me repeat what others has said in previous posts, if you need it do not hesitate to get help. There are professionals out there who will make your life easier as you deal with one of the hardest things you will ever have to deal with. All the people who came from hospice were angels in disguise, especially the woman who came twice a week to bathe mom. We sent her a thank you card after mom's passing. I like to think of myself as eloquent, but I told her I didn't have the words to totally express my gratitude.